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Brian Lehrer: Brian Lehrer on WNYC. We started the show acknowledging that this is the day after Super Bowl Sunday. We're going to end it acknowledging that today is Valentine's day, and so we're going to open up the phones for anybody and a couple who has been in a long-term relationship, I mean really long term and ask for advice. How have you made it last over the years? Tweet @BrianLehrer or give us a call right now at 212-433-WNYC, 212-433-9692.

Did you catch this new story last week about 2.5 million weddings are expected to happen this year? According to the trade group Wedding Report, that's the most weddings in a single year if it comes to pass since 1984. How about couples from 1984? If you got married in 1984, what's your unsolicited advice for successful long-term relationships for couples who are going to get married this year and challenge that record number of weddings for all those decades, 2.5 million?

I assume this is happening because of the pandemic presumably easing and people put off their weddings because they didn't want to not invite people or didn't want to have such a small wedding. For whatever reason, there's expected to be a really lot of marriages this year. We want to especially invite as many diverse couples on for advice as possible. If you're in a same-sex partnership, interracial relationship, multicultural or interfaith marriage or anything else that has felt like an additional challenge, but you've managed to make it work for a long time, call 212-433-WNYC.

Obviously, there were no legal same-sex marriages in 1984. You are officially exempt from that request. Doesn't have to be from back then, but you get the idea. While we wait for your calls, here's the late Supreme Court justice, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, in 2019, sharing some unsolicited advice that she got from her mother-in-law on her wedding day.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: She gave me some wonderful advice. We were married in her home and she said, just before the ceremony started, "Dear, I'd like to tell you the secret of a happy marriage." "I'd love to hear it. What is it?" "Every now and then," she said, "it helps to be a little deaf."

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Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Which was such wonderful advice. I have followed it assiduously.

Brian Lehrer: I have followed it assiduously, Ruth Bader Ginsburg on the secret of a happy marriage. She learned from her mother-in-law being a little deaf, which she says worked for her and her husband, Marty, for 56 years, and maybe you'd like to add onto that advice. A little deaf, a little blind, a little dumb, dumb in the sense of don't say everything that you think. Any advice on how to avoid unnecessary conflict?

We played Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Here's another one. A lot of people may hope that their long term relationships are built on equality, but in his 2018 standup special, comedian Chris Rock said it's about service and teamwork, and here's a little bit of that.

Chris Rock: When you are in a relationship, you're in a band and when you are in a band, you have roles that you play in the band. Sometimes you sing lead and sometimes your own tambourine.

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Chris Rock: If you're on tambourine, play it right because nobody wants to see a mad tambourine player.

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Brian Lehrer: All right, Chris Rock. Do your part, try to enjoy it, or maybe you're not really a team in that sense, but two individuals who are different in a lot of ways, but still have managed to make it work. Here's another clip, Dolly Parton, talking about she and her husband of over 55 years. Here's Dolly in a 2020 interview talking about their relationship.

Dolly Parton: He's pretty much a loner in a homebody and I'm a gypsy, but when I'm home, I love that we don't do the same thing so it gives us stuff different to talk about. He doesn't get involved in my business. I don't get involved in his, so we have our own little world that we create for ourselves.

Brian Lehrer: One more Valentine's day soundbite. Maybe your advice is a bit more concrete than all of that or Dolly saying, "I don't get involved in his world, so we have our own little world that we create for ourselves." This piece of advice, maybe a little more concrete from comedian, Dave Chappelle, who has been married for 21 years.

Dave Chappelle: I give all married men the same advice, gay or straight, get a dog. This dog will love you all the time, but she's not going to.

Brian Lehrer: All right. Tough love from Dave Chappelle, definitely known for tough love. In a year when about 2.5 million people or couples are expected to get married, is it people or couples? I guess if it's couples, that's 5 million people are going to get married in 2022 in this country, what's your best advice for a long term union? Tweet @BrianLehrer or give us a call 212-433-WNYC. We'll take your calls after this.

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Brian Lehrer: Now to your calls on your relationship that has lasted a long time, your advice for these 2.5 million couples who are expected to get married this year, and let's start with, Maddie in Yonkers. You're on WNYC. Hi, Maddie.

Maddie: Hi, I've been married 31 years. This is my 32nd Valentine's Day with my husband. My advice is to have a safe phrase. What that means is, you're in an argument, and nobody's going to win. Instead of just rehashing whatever it is, it's a phrase that is, "I know you're being stupid right now but I still love you, maybe we'll argue about this tomorrow, but it's not going anywhere." Our phrase is, "Do you want to have a beer?" That just breaks this conversation? Do you want to have beer? Yes, let's just all relax and we'll go have a beer. We'll talk about something else.

Brian Lehrer: That's really great. When people talk about a safe word, it's usually if they're doing stuff in bed.

Maddie: Pretty kinky stuff, yes.

Brian Lehrer: Want that word to say when to stop when it's gone too far. Why not have that for our emotional lives as well?

Maddie: Yes, absolutely. It also works with teenagers.

Brian Lehrer: Safe phrase in your marriage. You want to be-- a great way to start, Maddie. Thank you very much. How about Gill in Englewood Cliffs. Gill, you're on WNYC. Hello.

Gill: Hi, thank you so much. I love your show, Brian.

Brian Lehrer: Thank you.

Gill: I have two words of advice, two things of advice. I've been married for 33 years, I've been with my husband for 43 years. Number one, I think you have to make an effort to keep the relationship fresh, you have to continue to date each other. You have to go on dates and not talk about your kids or the bills. The other thing I think is really important is recognizing we're all imperfect. We get in arguments, we get in disagreements, you got to let it go right away. When you hold on to it, it builds up, people become resentful and all that energy is stuck between you. I really think it's important to learn to just let it go.

Brian Lehrer: Two good ones, allowing imperfection I guess in yourself as well as in your partner. That idea of a date, that's interesting, where you're not going to talk about the bills, you're not going to talk about the kids, just go out like you're on a date [unintelligible 00:02:48] Two good ones, Gill. Thank you very much. Claus in Norwalk. You're on WNYC Hi, Claus.

Claus: Good morning. Thank you for having me. I enjoy your show all the time.

Brian Lehrer: Thank you. Do you have some advice for these coming newlyweds?

Claus: Well, I'm not sure how good the advice would be. There's an expression that says, free advice is worth what you paid for it. I've been married for 40 years. Very different multiculturally. I'm German, my wife is Brazilian. She's a beautiful woman. As I mentioned before, when I was a young architect, I thought I was supposed to marry a beautiful exotic woman and I did. I think over the course of years, some of those differences have been difficult. Most of the time, we enjoy the differences. I think for any multicultural relationship, you've got to be able to do that.

They were dramatic differences in food and background and things we like to do. We figured out a lot of stuff that we'd like to do together, we've become good friends. By the way, learning to be good friends after a certain amount of years is critical. If you can't do that, you're just not going to last. I think the advice is to enjoy each other's differences. It's kept us young, and it's kept life exciting.

Brian Lehrer: What about when the difference is something that drives you crazy. Maybe one is a neat freak and you're talking about you're German, she's Brazilian, so maybe it's some cultural differences that stems from that or maybe it's just you're a neat freak and she's not or whatever it is.

Claus: Well, she is a bit of a neat freak, and that occasionally does drive me crazy. She sees dust and dirt where you need a magnifying glass. I think the thing is that she's hot-blooded, I guess is the right word. Whatever differences occur if something is on her mind, it's there. You don't see them brood about it, you deal with it right away and that's critical. Otherwise, I think the previous caller mentioned you become resentful, we haven't gotten to that.

Brian Lehrer: Things that get repressed come out in more unhealthy ways often. Claus, thank you very much. Robin in Long Island City, you're on WNYC. Hi, Robin.

Robin: Oh, hi. Actually my piece of advice, and I thought about it because we've done it for 36 years, is to live apart. He took my old rent-stabilized apartment in the village and I have one in Long Island City. We didn't plan it that way. We've always lived in separate places, but it's too expensive to get a place together. If you live apart, you see each other always on holidays and vacations, but we're together two to four days a week. That helps.

Brian Lehrer: In that situation, how do you navigate how much I guess you both live in the city, how do you decide how much to see each other?

Robin: Oh, well, it's based on if he's working during the week, I see him on the weekends. If he's taking time off, he's here with me in Long Island City because his apartment is a five stair walk-up. [chuckles] As we get older, I guess we'll have to get rid of that one and just hang on to mine. It's just strange that we've never lived together except for weeks at a time on vacations but also like the other people said, you have to be forgetful and a little bit deaf. You can't continually bring up past wrongs. That's the way to madness.

Brian Lehrer: Robin, thank you very much. Isn't that funny, folks, the New York State real estate market determining that this married couple lived separately and sounds like it worked out. Maybe it keeps the romance alive for those days of the week when you do see each other. Mark in White Plains, you're on WNYC. Hi, Mark?

Mark: Brian, married in 1976 to the girl I met in high school in Forest Hills, in geometry class. I have found the key to a wonderful relationship is keeping the romance alive. Do not be influenced by media, showing greener pastures. Make your relationship be the most romantic, fantastic love affair that ever existed. February 9th, just February 9th was the day she went steady with me. I brought her balloons this week. Keep it alive, my friend. That's the way.

Brian Lehrer: Balloons instead of flowers. How whimsical, very nice. Thank you very much. Gloria in Linden, you're on WNYC. What have you got for all those fiances out there this year?

Gloria: I met my husband, we got married when he was 21 and I was 20. What was beautiful was that he always celebrated every time we passed, let's say 25 years, he would be like, "Wow, I can't believe we've been married 25 years." Lucky or whatever our son was born on Valentine's Day, it was really beautiful. My husband and I actually had to ask permission to marry because I was going to a Latino church, and my priest would not marry me. We had to get married in North New Jersey.

Along all these years, we have been able to maintain our independence. Even though I was a freshman in college, and he was a senior in college, he went on and graduated, went on to work and I remained in school and went to school even while having my children. It was really great that I did not stop going to school. We were able to live life, very productive lives and we're still living productive lives and we're just in awe. I got a heart today, a heart full of chocolates.

Brian Lehrer: You got a heart full of chocolate, still in awe, even married since 1976. That is wonderful. Well, thank you for all your wonderful calls. Hopefully, you've given some good advice to this record number of couples that's supposed to get married this year. I will note as the postscript that Paul in Manhattan's calling to say he wants to marry the other caller's wife who's a neat freak. Well, it sounds like you can't have her.

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