[music]

Alison Stewart: This is All Of It. I'm Alison Stewart live from the WNYC Studios in SoHo. Next week, I'll be live at the New York Public Library, a week from today with Mona Simpson. Our Get Lit with All Of It book club event happens on the 26th at 6:00 PM. Mona Simpson will be there in person. We've been reading her book, Commitment. We also have just announced a very special musical guest.

Singer-songwriter and frontman of the beloved New York City indie rock band, The Walkmen, Hamilton Leithauser will be in the house. He's going to be performing for us. We're catching him right at the beginning of the band's reunion tour in the middle of a string of local shows, going to be their first time playing together in venues in a decade. You may have seen the news. They play for the first time on Colbert. I think it was last night. Tickets are free, but you do have to reserve them, so go to wnyc.org/get-lit to find out how.

While we're on the subject of music, Record Store Day is happening this weekend. It's an event that was created to celebrate independent brick-and-mortar music shops. It's now in its 15th year. On Friday, the co-founders of Record Store Day join us to discuss what's on the turntable this year. We'll also want you to shout out your favorite record shops. That conversation is happening on Friday. Now, let's drop the needle on this hour and talk about the joys and terrors of wedding season.

[music]

Alison Stewart: The start of wedding season is upon us. While for some people, that means a joyous celebration of love and companionship. For those with a pile of invitations on their counter, it means potentially spending a whole lot of money. Those costs are even higher. If you've been invited to be a bridesmaid or a groomsman, they have bridal showers, the bachelor and bachelorette parties, pricey bridesmaids' dresses, and wedding expenses can really add up. It's gotten so bad that SNL recently skewer the horror of being invited to be a bridesmaid in a recent sketch.

Sarah Lowell: It all started with a box on my doorstep-

Brittany Reynolds: -and a note with a question.

Naomi Daniels: I just got this feeling that it wasn't the kind of question you could say no to.

Riley Dibiase: Will you-

Vanessa Cutchin: -be my-

Sarah Lowell: -bridesmaid?

[laughter]

Voice-Over: From the people who brought you Keep Sweet, Wild Wild Country, and The NXIVM Documentary comes a harrowing new cult story. I Was a Bridesmaid.

Dr. Greg Lawrence: Each year, more than six million women fall into this type of cult. They prey on vulnerable groups like college roommates and sisters-in-law.

Sarah Lowell: They sell you on the big day. I thought it was a one-day commitment. For 18 months, I was fully sucked in.

Brittany Reynolds: There was an email chain, a group text, DMs, a whole last conversation in the comments on Venmo.

Naomi Daniels: That's in a 200-question poll about customized shirts. We ended up going with Bride Tribe.

[laughter]

Dr. Greg Lawrence: These cults also target another vulnerable group, outgoing gay men.

Josh Chan-Moy: I've been a bridesmaid at nine weddings this year. Whenever a girl starts calling me "sis," I know I'm in trouble.

[laughter]

Dr. Greg Lawrence: The bachelorette party is the first major ritual, almost always in Nashville.

Riley Dibiase: I tried to say I couldn't afford to go because of my student loans. The maid of honor texted back, "No worries," with a sparkle emoji. I knew what that meant. I sold my car to make it happen.

Alison Stewart: Of course, being a bridesmaid or groomsman isn't that bad. There are plenty of ways to ensure that wedding celebrations don't break the bank or your spirit, whether you're friends of a bride and a bride, a bride and a groom, a groom and a groom, or just two humans getting hitched. To help us discuss how to be part of a bridal party without going bankrupt or losing your mind, and also how to plan a great bachelor/bachelorette party is Gabriella Rello Duffy, editorial director of Brides. Gabby, thanks for being with us.

Gabriella Rello Duffy: Thank you for having me.

Alison Stewart: Listeners, we want to hear from you. Have you managed to be a bridesmaid or groomsman in multiple weddings in one year? How did you make it work financially? How did you make it work practically? If you planned a bachelor or a bachelorette party, what are some tips you suggest to make the event successful and/or affordable for everybody? All right, what's the worst experience you've had being a bridesmaid or groomsman? We want to hear your horror stories too and we want to hear your successes. We want to hear all of it, 212-433-9692, 212-433-WNYC.

You can also hit us up on social media @allofitwnyc. Phone number again, 212-433-9692, 212-433-WNYC. Gabby, while we wait for some phone calls to come in, I have a bunch of questions. One cranky bridesmaid wrote in the cut recently to say, "Altogether, I'm looking at paying $6,000-$8,000 on bachelorette trips this year. I feel as though I can't say no, nor do I really want to. These are my very best friends after all, but how am I supposed to toe the line of being both financially sound and a good friend?" In context, why has being in a bridal party become such an expensive endeavor?

Gabriella Rello Duffy: It's a lot of different factors. One, it's the wedding boom. Everyone is getting married right now. If you're in that age range where you're in a wedding party, you're probably attending a lot of weddings right now. Just the sheer number of them coming at you all at once is tough, but also we're seeing weddings become multi-day events. Now, you are going to not just the wedding itself, it's the bachelor and bachelorette party leading up to it, but also the rehearsal dinner and the welcome party and the post-wedding brunch. You're doing it all. With more events comes more stuff you need to buy and outfits you need and all of that.

Alison Stewart: When did wedding sprawl happen?

Gabrielle Rello Duffy: It just used to be maybe a rehearsal dinner and then the wedding. It was pre-pandemic, but I'm really seeing it after because, now, everyone wants to spend more time with people they didn't get to see during that time we were all apart. They want to make the most of it. They know if people are traveling, they want to offer them lots of opportunities to celebrate, lots of things to do. It is out of kindness for their guests in some ways, but I know it can be a financial burden for others.

Alison Stewart: Oh, that's an interesting unintended consequence. We haven't been able to be together, so let's make this a really big to-do, or if you're traveling a long way, I want to give you something else to do, but then that's something else to do.

Gabriella Rello Duffy: Yes, exactly.

Alison Stewart: If you're asking someone to be your best man or your maid of honor or your best woman, what are some things the bride and/or groom should consider before making that ask?

Gabriella Rello Duffy: From a practical standpoint, you want to make sure that the person you're asking is best equipped to really help you throughout this process. That doesn't mean they should be doing your wedding planning tasks for you. If you know you need a sounding board to help you with planning or to help weigh in on decisions or you really want someone to help you with fashion or anything like that, just picking the person that you know is best equipped to be that person. Unfortunately, it's not always your sibling. It's okay if it is not your sibling.

There's tons of meaningful ways to include other people in your wedding day and the events leading up to it without having that honorary role. On top of that too, you want to think about what you're asking of them and if this person can take on that commitment. If you know you really need a maid of honor who can be with you at every wedding dress appointment and every fitting and your best friend has a very demanding job or a very busy family life, I would be really clear with them upfront and make sure this is something they feel they can commit to so there's no hurt feelings down the line.

Alison Stewart: Let's take a call. Erin is calling in from Brooklyn. Hi, Erin. Thanks for calling in.

Erin: Hey. In 2015, my little sister who lived in Denver at the time, my best friend, who's in my hometown, Chicago, and one of my New York best friends all got married three weekends in a row. I was a maid of honor in the first two. There was no way I would've been able to afford this at all, except, A, the brides were all very low-key and accommodating. At the time, I worked for a national agency that had offices all over the country.

Even though I absolutely hated that job, I called on my golden handcuff because I worked it out. I was able to work in different cities where all the events were that entire year to make it to all their events. I got them to cover the cost of my flights. Otherwise, I would still be paying that off, and then I quit the job as soon as all those weddings were over.

Alison Stewart: [laughs] Erin for the win. Erin, thank you for calling in. That's an interesting idea of coupling the wedding and the travel with something else.

Gabriella Rello Duffy: If you can, it's a great idea. I don't know if everyone has the flexibility to couple it with work travel, but I think couples are even thinking about putting their events around the same time as the wedding. They might have the bachelorette party or the shower that same weekend so people only have to fly once.

Alison Stewart: Let's say you want to check out another city and maybe a place to live or set up a job interview with somebody in that city. At least make it work for you as well if you have to travel. My guest is Gabby Rello Duffy, editorial director of Brides. We are talking about surviving wedding season. Have you managed being a bridesmaid or a groomsman in multiple weddings in one year? Maybe you've planned a bachelorette or bachelor party.

What are some of your tips you suggest to make the event successful and even affordable for your friends? What is the worst experience you've seen or experience being a bridesmaid or a groomsman? Come on, we want to hear about the ugly dresses. Give us a call. 212-433-9692, 212-433-WNYC. You can also hit us up on social media @allofitwnyc. You're in planning mode. You've accepted the job. When you think about bachelorette and bachelor parties, how big is too big? How small is too small?

Gabriella Rello Duffy: That's an interesting question. You always want the group that you're traveling with or celebrating this weekend with to feel really meaningful and to be people you really want to be surrounded by. I think that too big, in my opinion, is when you're in the teens and above. I've been to a bachelorette party with 18 guests. I had my own bachelorette party with six or seven guests. I tend to think of smaller sizes better. You get to really spend time with people. You get to know what everyone wants to do. You can do things that feel within everyone's budget without breaking the bank or you can be accommodating of what everyone needs.

Alison Stewart: Let's talk to Andrew calling in from Astoria. Hi, Andrew. Thank you so much for calling in.

Andrew: Hey, what's up, Alison? Thanks for taking my call. Me and my wife, we got married last year in Mexico. We also had a wedding here and it was about a month apart here in New York. When it came to the Mexican wedding, we really limited to a very small group of people. Really our closest friends. We didn't have best men or bridesmaids. We didn't have bachelor parties. We were just always aware of the financial cost that it was going to be on our friends and family.

Also just practically, I didn't want to choose one person to be our best man, so it worked out financially, but also just how I feel about it and how my wife feels about it. When it came to the accommodations in Mexico, we set aside part of our wedding budget to defer some of that cost. We paid a percentage towards people's rooms and also car rentals in Mexico. We did combine a trip right after the wedding to a small town nearby, so what you were mentioning before so they can see the country and not just go to the wedding.

Then when it came to the wedding in New York, basically, we had also another small group invited, including people that weren't able to go to Mexico. We expanded it out just a little bit further, our friend circle, to accommodate those people. It was a 25-man dinner. Then we tried to make it affordable in New York by just renting a space. We threw a party. We were our own DJs.

Alison Stewart: Nice.

Andrew: We bought our own food. Again, here in New York, we didn't have a bachelor party. We didn't have best men and bridesmaids. Just throughout the process, cognizant of the fact that it was going to cost people money. We didn't want people to feel like they couldn't participate if they weren't able to go to Mexico.

Alison Stewart: You and your wife are very thoughtful people. Andrew, thank you so much for calling in. A lot of good ideas there from Andrew and his situation. We've got Johnny who says, "I think it's totally fine to say no if your circumstances really do not allow you to say yes with ease. I had to say no to weddings in Italy, Hawaii, and Mexico in my 20s because I just simply couldn't afford it. It's not ruined any of my friendships. If they are really your friend, they should understand." They should understand, but we have to be honest. Sometimes people get really weird around weddings. They just do for whatever reason, the pressure. If you have to decline, how do you navigate this potentially tricky conversation?

Gabriella Rello Duffy: I think it's twofold. I think if you're invited to be in the wedding party at one of these destination events and you can't afford it all, I would say step one is to say, "Would you be comfortable with me being there? What's important to me is to be there and to celebrate you. I can't really swing the cost of both of these things together." If it's that you just can't afford to go, I think be open and honest. Let people know you really want to celebrate their wedding in some other way, but the financial burden is just too high.

Alison Stewart: What are some ways that you can support the bride and groom if you really can't afford either to be part of the party or even to maybe go to the wedding?

Gabriella Rello Duffy: I think if the pre-wedding events are local to you, if they're having a shower, if they're having an engagement party, things like that, be there to celebrate those moments. Be an active celebrant even if you're far away. Repost the pictures or let them know you're thinking of them. Let them know that you wish you could be there and celebrate them in some other way. I always think toasting their wedding with a bottle of champagne, something that's affordable, and you can have meaningful time spent together is a really nice thing to do.

Alison Stewart: My guest is Gabriella Rello Duffy. She's editorial director of Brides. We are talking about surviving a wedding season. It is upon us. Have you managed being a bridesmaid or a groomsman in multiple weddings in one year? If you've planned a bachelorette or bachelor party, what are some tips you suggest to make the event successful? If you've had one of those crazy bridesmaid or groomsman experiences, we want to hear that as well. 212-433-WNYC, 212-433-9692. We'll get to more of your calls as well as more of your DMs and tweets after a very quick break. This is All Of It.

[music]

Alison Stewart: This is All Of It. We're talking wedding season. Gabby Rello Duffy is the editorial director of Brides. She is our guest. You're our guests as well. We want to hear your bridesmaids and groomsman stories, or if you've paneled a bachelorette or a bachelor party, what are some tips you'd suggest to make the event successful and/or accessible for as many people?

I'm going to talk about the bachelor and bachelorette party. I'm going to throw the skunk on the table as we like to say, inclusion of sex workers. Let's talk about that. Many people have different feelings and questions about the involvement of sex workers or strippers or strip clubs or dance clubs as a place to have parties. What are some things you should consider before including this as part of the celebration?

Gabriella Rello Duffy: It is such a personal choice. I don't want to tell people what they should do one way or the other. I think you have to know if that's okay for you. However, my golden rule is what stays at the bachelor and bachelorette party should not stay at the bachelor or bachelorette party. Don't go into anything thinking you can or should keep it a secret from your partner. That is not a good way to start off a partnership in a marriage. Whatever you do, I would know going into it that your partner feels okay about it. Have an open and honest conversation before, and know that if they were to find out about it, they would not be upset by whatever it was.

Alison Stewart: Have you got a sense from your readers how they feel about it?

Gabriella Rello Duffy: I think our reader is pretty modern and I think they're moving away from that. There is the objectification of men and women that I just don't think people feel as great about today, so I think it is becoming far less common. I know I've been to many, many bachelorette parties without any of that involved. I think people are looking to spend more meaningful time with their guests and really celebrate the forthcoming wedding.

Alison Stewart: What about location? What do we need to consider for location? What are the technically hot locations?

Gabriella Rello Duffy: It's actually funny. The SNL thing got it so right. Nashville is really popular. Charleston, Austin, people are picking those warm-weather cities where there is a lot to do and a lot of variety, both at activities and in terms of price points. You're always going to see beach locations that are local to you. In New York, keep the Hamptons or the New Jersey Shore. Down south, there's lots of beach locations in Florida. California is plenty. I would choose somewhere that feels really good for you and somewhere that you know that you can have a great time with your friends. If there is a location you have that can be more affordable for guests, if you have a family vacation home or something like that, even better.

Alison Stewart: Let's talk to Marcus calling in from Bryant Park. Hey, Marcus, thank you for calling in.

Marcus: Hey, thank you so much. I literally was just in Bryant Park just doing some steps, getting a walk in, and I heard you talking about bachelor parties and bachelorette parties, and I just thought, "Wow, I think I might have something to add to that." Did you want me to just talk about my experience-

Alison Stewart: Yes, absolutely.

Marcus: -or did you have any questions? We got married at The Roundhouse in Beacon, which was beautiful. Beacon, New York. It's on a water--

Alison Stewart: Oh, Marcus is doing his steps, so I think he stepped right into a zone. All right, Marcus, you're back. You're back. You stepped into a dead zone, so we're good.

Marcus: Good, I'm back. Okay, sorry. I'm surprised. I'm in Bryant Park. There's more Wi-Fi here than anywhere in the world. I did my bachelor party in Costa Rica. It was just amazing and mainly because it was smaller amount of people. We had seven guys. We did all of our activities together, whether it was taking a surf lesson. We went zip-lining. We went on a boat tour around just the whole country on the water.

Literally, dolphins were jumping up into the air as the sunset was coming in. It was just really magical and I really think-- I wouldn't have gone there, first of all, if anybody in the group couldn't have afforded it. Also, the fact that it was seven people, it really allowed us to do all of our activities cohesively together. I've been on other bachelor parties. I've also heard of other people going on bachelor parties where it's 12, 13, 14 guys.

It just becomes cliquey. People are in different groups doing different things. That's my experience. People don't really gel, so I just personally felt that having a smaller intimate group is something I can't speak more highly about. I think people might in their head think that it's good to have 13, 14 people, but in reality, I think it's a different experience than doing a smaller group.

Alison Stewart: Hey, Marcus, thank you for including us in your day and also giving out some great advice. Appreciate it. Let's talk to Brian calling in from Brooklyn. Hi, Brian. Thanks for calling All Of It.

Brian: Hi, how are you?

Alison Stewart: Doing well. You're on the air.

Brian: Instead of throwing bachelor parties, my husband and I actually paid for everybody to go to Paris for us to get married. They paid for their flights. We paid for everything else. Then instead of having a honeymoon alone, we actually invited them to Provence and had a honeymoon with all of our friends. My friend married us and it was just an all-inclusive, fun, easy hang, and nobody was stressed out about money. We had a savings account ahead of time that we saved every month for a year. It was fun and easy and our wedding cake was actually a giant plate of fromage.

[laughter]

Alison Stewart: Brian, that sounds lovely. What an interesting idea. The idea of like, "Hey, you know what? We're not going to spend a jillion dollars on a honeymoon. Let's help people afford to be able to come and be with us." That's such a lovely sentiment.

Gabriella Rello Duffy: The friend moon is actually very popular. It's been gaining traction for probably the last 5, 10 years, but people are looking to go away with their friends and other couples. They don't need just that one-on-one couple time anymore.

Alison Stewart: Let's talk to Holly calling in from Brooklyn. Hi, Holly.

Holly: Oh, hey. I guess I'm going to tell you my amusing story about when I was a bridesmaid for my sister.

Alison Stewart: Remember, we're public radio, so technical terms only.

Holly: Yes, I will keep this clean. My sister lives in Chicago and so that was where we had our bachelorette party. It was at her apartment. It's a garden apartment, so there's a little, tiny window kind of at street level. I thought it would be nice to have chocolates and raspberries and champagne and get a masseuse to give chair massages. I got all that coordinated.

I don't live in Chicago, so that was a big feat for me to do 15 years ago. In the process of all of this fun time that we're having, there was an individual that was looking in her window and proceeded to touch himself. He watched us getting massages and enjoying our chocolates and champagne, which caused an amusing, chaotic situation. Ultimately, it was all fine and well.

Alison Stewart: You did very well, Holly. Thank you so much. You were very, very gentle. I appreciate that. This is great from Tapestry at Twitter, say, "No. When my cousin's bridesmaid dropped out, I was ordered by family to fill in. I was the unchosen bridesmaid. I was forced to wear a hot pink bridesmaid dress so ugly that it makes my eyes hurt just remembering it." Thank you for the story.

We'll just leave both of those alone. My guest is Gabby Rello Duffy, editorial director of Brides. It's funny to hear people's stories. There's the earnest and then there's the ridiculous. I thought aside from the peeping Tom, the chair massages, that's kind of a fun thing to have. What are some of the other ways people are celebrating their bachelor and bachelorette parties and even showers that don't fall into traditional, maybe super-gendered behavior?

Gabriella Rello Duffy: I think you can really do anything you want. I know my bachelorette party, we did a really fun boat trip. We went out for the day on Cape Cod and looked at all this sea life and went to a really cool beach. I've planned bachelorette parties for other people where we did really fun candle-making classes. My sister's bachelorette party, we did some of the usual stuff, hanging out at pools and beaches. I think you have to tailor it to the person, but I think there's a lot you can do that you don't have to involve really heavy drinking or any of that gendered stuff that we see. I think there are so many activities you can do that give people the option to enjoy it however feels right for them.

Alison Stewart: If you're part of the trip, when you think about costs normally, who's responsible for what in terms of a bachelorette party or a bachelor party?

Gabriella Rello Duffy: I think, generally, everyone should be responsible for their own travel. I feel really strongly that that includes the bride and groom. I do not think you should have a bachelor or bachelorette party where you are asking your friends and family to pay for your vacation. It just is not a great idea. I think, honestly, everyone should really foot the bill for themselves throughout the process, including the bride or groom. I don't think it should be an all-expense paid trip for them. I actually think it's really nice when the bride or groom pay for something for their guests. Sometimes the other partner who is not there will gift something to the guests like a dessert or drinks or something like that.

Alison Stewart: Well, you know what? Let me take a call. Let's talk to Andrea from West Orange, New Jersey. Andrea, thanks for calling in.

Andrea: Hi, can you hear me?

Alison Stewart: Yes, you're on the air.

Andrea: Hi, I'm on? Hi, my daughter got married and her friends were amazing. What they did was they-- and we had 200 people at the wedding. They came a day early and decorated the wedding place, putting up all the flowers, arranging everything, and this was an enormously wonderful thing for them to do. It was both parties like both my son-in-law's friends and her friends stayed at our house.

You could even rent a really big house and just have everybody loving the couple and taking away the emphasis on this materialism, "I'm going to have a great vacation experience," and instead doing what friends really do for each other, which is, "Let's take care of this couple." They had friends that came from all over the world, from Scotland, England, Israel, as well as Alabama. They just all came together, met with each other, became even better friends, and it was beautiful. It wasn't about where are we going to go for a vacation.

Alison Stewart: Andrea, thank you for calling in. I appreciate what Andrea said. I do think we shouldn't yuck on someone's yum. If they want to take their friends on vacation, that's lovely. You can have both. Both can be true. Let's talk to Michael calling in from Brightwaters, Long Island. Hi, Michael.

Michael: Hi, Alison. I have a question. I am friends with the groom. They're going to get married a week from tomorrow. We reconnected during the high school reunion a couple of years back. Anyway, the bride and groom want me to arrive at the wedding venue six hours before the wedding start time. The reason being, which I think is an unusually long time before the wedding starts, is they're doing three separate photo shoots. Does your guest have any tips on how to stay fresh and sane before the start of the wedding?

Alison Stewart: [laughs] That's a really good question. This couple is really going for it. Where they're putting the money is the photos. They're really excited about documenting the day, but everybody's got to stay looking good for six hours. Suggestions for Michael.

Gabriella Rello Duffy: Well, it's honestly very unusual that a wedding venue would allow people to arrive six hours early. Wedding venues are notorious for not wanting couples or their guests to be there really even half an hour early. I guess kudos to the couple for picking while there. I would say if you're in the early photo shoot, I would take off the suit jacket after, take off the tie, find somewhere cool to hang out.

Hopefully, the weather's not too bad. That's really the best you can do unless you're able to drive home and change in between. It would be really nice if the couple could offer something for guests to do during that time because it is a lot to ask people to do. Maybe there's a coffee shop nearby you can hang out at.

Alison Stewart: Maybe I'm going to do two suggestions to someone who used to do TV, blotting papers. Blotting papers, Michael. Go to Sephora. Get a Fathom on your face, keeps the grease down, and probably not. Even though you might be inclined to maybe want to have a glass of champagne, maybe just a glass.

Gabriella Rello Duffy: I would take it slow.

Alison Stewart: Let's talk to Ariana calling from Bergen County, New Jersey. Hi, Ariana.

Ariana: Hi, thanks for taking my call. This is so funny to be on NPR. I love you, guys. I am 30 and all of my friends are getting married. I am also Albanian. I have a huge family, so I have seven weddings this year.

Alison Stewart: Oh my.

Ariana: The first three are technically destination weddings. I, unfortunately, can't go to my best friend's wedding because it's within the same week of another wedding that I was invited to be bridesmaid, also in a different country. Both of those weddings also have destination bachelorettes. Of course, everybody wants to be part of your big day and it's such an honor to be asked to be a bridesmaid.

I think the destinations of bachelorettes and weddings and not realizing that multiple people might be invited to multiple destinations in one year is really not feasible. I hear brides and grooms saying, "Wouldn't it be such a great thing for everybody to make a vacation out of it?" I know everyone wants to go to this place in Europe or this place in South or Central America and they can make a vacation out of it, but in America, we only have a few weeks-off a year.

Alison Stewart: True.

Ariana: Sometimes people don't want to spend their only couple of weeks a year on that destination specifically, or they have other expenses. One thing I would say is the bride and groom to be very mindful if somebody can't come to their wedding that they definitely don't take it personally. Another thing is if you're having a destination wedding, really consider the budget of what your other events are going to cost. Funny enough, in New York City, sometimes a destination like a couple of hours away actually turned out to be cheaper than in New York City.

Alison Stewart: Oh, for sure.

Ariana: A bachelor, anyway.

Alison Stewart: Ariana, thank you for calling in. All really good pieces of advice. Let's talk to Kate from Flatbush.

Kate: Hi, so I was going to say a couple of things. One was instead of having one really big, expensive wedding cake, I had family and friends make me their favorite cakes, and that was their gift. We had a whole spread of different wedding cakes and pies, which made it very special. Then also, in terms of photographers, which can cost a lot of money, we have some amateur photographer friends and enlisted them to be our official photographers. We pulled the pictures afterwards and they ended up being beautiful. They were people that knew us really well. Got really amazing candid pictures. Those two things saved money for us on our end too. I just thought to have the budget for everybody.

Alison Stewart: That's terrific. I love that idea about the cakes. How warm and wonderful that is. All right, so we have last two questions. They go hand-in-hand. Once and for all, how much should you be spending on a wedding gift if you're part of the bridal party or groomsman? Let's say you've already laid out a lot of money. What's the etiquette there? Then part two is, what's a nice way a bride and/or groom can thank their bridesmaids and groomsmen for all the help?

Gabriella Rello Duffy: This is maybe a hot take. People don't love this answer from me, but I think that even if you are a member of the wedding party, you should give whatever gift you would give typically attending a wedding. There is no set number. You have to go based on what is right for you and your finances and all of that. You should still give a gift. There's no considering, "I'm in the wedding party, so I don't have to," unfortunately.

I think couples can and should think their wedding party in a variety of different ways. One of the callers had that great tip of offsetting some of the costs for their guests. I think when you can do that, that is a really, really wonderful thing to do, especially for your wedding party. If you can pay for their accommodations or their hair and makeup or part of their dress or suit, that's so kind and generous.

Friends of the couple will really appreciate it. Otherwise, I think giving them a gift that they actually want and need is really nice. Don't give them attire to wear on your wedding day. Don't give them an accessory for the wedding. Give them something they can use after and think of you from and something that feels authentic to them and not really tied to your wedding.

Alison Stewart: We've got one more from our control room. Someone says, "Well, what if they ask to donate to a charity, but in your heart, you really want to give them a gift as well? Is that appropriate or should you just stick with the donation to charity?"

Gabriella Rello Duffy: I think stick to the donation from charity. If someone offers that, that means they genuinely want that. It's their way of saying, "I don't want you to put a financial burden on you. I want you to give whatever you feel comfortable with and do it in our honor." I think that's so kind. You do not need to give them a gift if that's what they're asking.

Alison Stewart: Gabby Rello Duffy is the editorial director of Brides. Thank you for coming in during a very busy time. I know for you. [laughs]

Gabriella Rello Duffy: Thank you.

 

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