Kousha Navidar: You're listening to All Of It on WNYC. I'm Kousha Navidar. For Alison Stewart, weddings are joyous occasions that bring families together, but they can also be a source of stress and confusion, especially when it comes to knowing what's expected of you if you're a parent. From handling financial contributions to navigating family dynamics, the role of the parents in a wedding is pivotal.

Today, we'll be diving into all things wedding etiquette, offering tips and advice on how parents can best support their children during this exciting time, while also ensuring that they, the parents, handle their own responsibilities with grace and respect. Whether you're preparing for your child's big day or just curious about current wedding trends and customs, there are a lot of valuable insights to get about an important time in your family's life.

Here's who's going to help us out with all of this. Bring us that wealth of knowledge. It's Brides senior editorial director, Gabriella Rello Duffy joins us, joins us to discuss and to take your calls. Gabriella, welcome to All Of It.

Gabriella Rello Duffy: Zachary, thank you for having me back. Kousha.

Kousha: Absolutely. It's nice to have you back. Listeners, we want you in on this conversation. Of course, I am sure that there are many stories to share, and we are here for them. Are you a parent of someone who is getting married in the near future or has gotten married recently? How did you feel about their significant other and their family? Did you help pay for the wedding or get involved with the planning, or are you the one getting married soon? How have your parents supported you and your partner's relationship?

What kind of expectations do you have for them on the day of the wedding? It's a broad tent. We're in a big umbrella here, folks. It's all about wedding, parent relationships, and we're here for all of it. Give us a call, send us a text. We're at 212-433-9692. That's 212-433-WNYC. Gabriella, what are the traditional roles of the parents of the bride and groom in a wedding and kind of how have those roles evolved over time?

Gabriella: Yes, if we're talking super traditional, it comes down to a lot of how the wedding is paid for. Traditional expectations dictate that the groom's parents pay for some things, and the bride's parents pay for other things. Obviously, we know that not all weddings include a bride and a groom. It can be two brides, two grooms. A lot of this etiquette has changed. People are getting married older than they used to, or they are more financially settled and want to contribute to more of the wedding themselves.

We're seeing those expectations change significantly around who is paying for what. Now the roles really come down to support. That is what parents are there to do on the big day, support and celebrate. They are, you know, less so funding the weddings or at least not funding the entire wedding and really being a support system for the couple.

Kousha: You know, we have an interesting caller right off the bat. I would love to hear this because it sounds so interesting to me. Will from New York, you're a private wedding podcast producer, is that right, will?

Will: Yeah, that's right.

Kousha: Can you tell me, first off the bat, tell me what it's like being a private wedding podcast producer? What do you do?

Will: Well, I'm producing podcasts, much like a videographer, but they're for invitation only listening, so family and friends can listen to episodes or aspects of the wedding via their podcast mobile apps on their phones.

Kousha: Oh, that's so interesting.

Will: So later date.

Kousha: Yes, so how a big convention might have podcasts about the convention. You are a wedding-- getting everything that happens at the wedding and through conversation. Is that fair?

Will: True. Yes, it's a spoken word and stories that often aren't captured at weddings, you know, in the speeches, also at the engagement parties, all those great things that people want to remember but aren't necessarily recorded.

Kousha: Interesting. Wonderful. What's your question?

Will: Well, I'm just wondering if it's okay or ethical to record the drunken statements of parents and other guests. I mean, they're often funny and revealing, but I don't want to get anybody in trouble.

Kousha: Will. There are a lot of drunken statements from parents. Gabriella, I'm looking at you. What do you think about Will's predicament? Is it ethical to share that?

Gabriella: Well, if this is an invitation-only podcast, so this is only going to the couple and their guests, I'm assuming that the people who have the password, they feel comfortable with people getting that. I would say clear it with the couple. That's how we handle things generally. On brides.com, we post lots of real weddings. We always lean on the couples to give us the information and the photos they want. I would say you can record it, but maybe ask the couple if they feel comfortable having that shared broadly.

Kousha: Will, can I ask, can you give us an example of what you heard that might have made you uneasy?

Will: Well, I was in an engagement party and recorded a mother who progressively got drunker throughout the night. When they did toast at the end, she was kind of slurring her speech. To me it was very obvious, but they thought it was part-- the family itself thought it was fun and just showed how much fun everybody was having. As a journalist, I might have questions about using it, but they were fine with it. I don't know in all cases that that would be the case.

Kousha: Gabby, does that hearing that example change or just enforce what you're saying?

Gabriella: I think, you know, I would probably clear it with the couple still in that case. I think when you look back on your wedding memories, you want to remember the real highlights and remember the best parts of the day. Down the line, it might feel funny right now, but in 5, 10, 20 years when maybe the relationships have changed, maybe people have passed, that might not be the memory that the bride and groom want of their parent around the wedding. I think about it long term, too. Is that going to hold up in 20 years? Maybe not.

Kousha: Will, thanks so much for that call. We appreciate it. Listeners, we're here with Gabby Rello Duffy from Brides. We are talking about being a parent in a wedding or having a wedding and having parents as well. What are the responsibilities of a parent? How can you be a parent effectively, gracefully, and how can you support your children and your families that are coming together?

We want to hear your stories about being a parent. Are you having a child that's getting married in the future or has gotten married recently? How did you feel about their significant other and their family? Gabby was saying that it used to be the traditional way to be a parent was to help fund the wedding in some way. That's kind of gone by the wayside a little bit recently. What was that experience like for you? How did you show up for your children's wedding? Give us a call. Send us a text. We're at 212-433-9692. That's 212-433-WNYC.

We're here with Gabby Rello Duffy, the Brides senior editorial director. Gabby, in a recent article, Brides listed oversharing on social media as one of the top 10 etiquette mistakes among parents. One bride to be recently went viral on TikTok, in fact, after she realized that her mom posted her wedding dress on Instagram. If your child is getting married, what is appropriate and what is not appropriate, maybe especially what is not appropriate to post on social media?

Gabriella: I think, first and foremost, obviously, the wedding attire, it should go without saying, they probably don't want everyone to see that before the big day. There's a lot of nuance to this, not just around what they're wearing, but maybe around the date. People might not want all of the date and details of their wedding splashed out to their parents' entire social media feed, especially considering weddings are very expensive.

We know that people are limited on their guest list, and they probably don't want any hurt feelings ahead of time of people wondering, like, "Oh, I see the wedding is next weekend and I didn't get invited." There are definitely reasons for why that would happen. I think it's important to limit how much is being shared around the date, the details, obviously the attire, any drama that might be happening behind closed doors.

Remember that this is the couple's day, and they should be allowed to share it organically, however they want after the wedding happens. I would say steer clear of sharing professional photos. Do not share any photos on the wedding day until the couple has had a chance to share it. They probably don't want their first announcement to be mom or dad's crooked iPhone photo, or maybe they're taking the best iPhone photo, but let them share it first.

Kousha: We have Dory in Manhattan, who just got married in March. Dory, welcome and congratulations.

Dory: Thank you so much. Thanks for having me.

Kousha: Absolutely. What's your question?

Dory: It's more of a comment. I wanted to share that I just got married in March, as you said, and my partner and I went to high school together. We've known each other since we were 14. My dad actually officiated the wedding. He's a rabbi. I just want to give a huge thank you to my parents and to my partner's parents because it could not have been more seamless.

While my dad obviously had the religious side to it, we really were incredibly lucky. I know that not everybody has both the emotional support that we had, spiritual support, and, of course, the financial support that we're extremely privileged to have had that. Not only that, but we also actually had-- my partner has all four of his grandparents were able to attend as well.

Kousha: Wonderful. Dory, I'm happy to hear that was such a pleasant, wonderful, cherished experience for you. Thanks so much for calling. Let's go to Anita in Bridgewater. Hi, Anita. Welcome.

Anita: Yes, hi. How are you?

Kousha: Good. Thanks. What's your story?

Anita: All right. My daughter just got married in the month of June 27th and 28th. I mean, I just want to comment about the dynamics between the parents and the bride. My daughter was the most obedient daughter. We had no issues. We loved the guy she was getting married to. Then come these wedding negotiations, I mean, she's turned into a bridezilla. I felt that there was not really a lot of trust between the parents and, you know, between my daughter and us.

It was a lot of negotiations we had to go through. I mean, in the end, it all turned out well. But, you know, that was a big, big chunk of our stress that we had to go through.

Kousha: With the bride and her reaction to the stress of the wedding is where a big part of the stress came from?

Anita: Yes, I mean, she didn't stress like-- you know. I mean, she married-- It was an interracial marriage, so she was worried if I was going to go deep into tradition, like a longer marriage. It's going to be the time duration and stuff like that.

Kousha: Anita, I'm wondering, did you have some expectations that weren't met or vice versa? Where was some of the stress coming from?

Anita: The stress was coming mostly from the-- half of it was from the guest list, and other half is from the traditions that, you know, I wanted her to do. Follow a few traditions during the wedding, and she didn't want to do it. Yes, that's where the stress was coming for both of us.

Kousha: And did you find a compromise?

Anita: Yes, we did. Yes, we did. Yes, we did. That's what made the marriage-- it turned out to be a beautiful event, and both the bride and the groom, they were so happy. We were happy.

Kousha: That's wonderful.

Anita: I think you need to talk it over.

Kousha: Gabby, I want to take it to there. Anita, I might come back to you in a second, but I want to hear, Gabby, from you, listening to Anita, what comes up for you?

Gabriella: You know, traditions are a huge thing. Everybody has family traditions on both sides of the aisle. If there are ones, some that are super important to you and your family, make that known to your child, communicate that early. You have to understand that they might not honor all of your preferences and wishes, but if there are one or two things that are super, super important to you, make that known.

Guest list obviously is a huge thing. We always say 20% to 30% of that guest list should be shared amongst both sets of parents. The couple might be willing to give more or take away some of that number. I think expecting that, if they're having a 100-person wedding, you probably have about 15 or 20 people that you get to invite, and you have to be okay with that, knowing that this is their day, and they want to celebrate with their nearest and dearest, too.

Kousha: Anita, how does that ring for you? Is there any other advice you'd lay on top of that?

Dory: No, absolutely. Absolutely. I agree with her.

Raghu: And this is Raghu, Anita's husband.

Kousha: Hi, Raghu.

Raghu: The challenge, what we ran is they really trust more their friends, and their opinion matters to them. They see the videos on the Internet, and they feel that-- We are Hindus, basically, and they feel that the tradition will go deeper in that. That was a big challenge for us because they'll take their friends' opinion, talk to us, and they, you know-- that's a big challenge we faced.

Kousha: I hear that. Raghu, thank you so much. Anita, thank you both so much as well for calling in, and congratulations on the marriage, first of all. I'm happy to hear that the marriage went off well and that you could enjoy it. Let's go to Laurie in Queens. Hey, Laurie, you have a daughter who's getting married in a year?

Laurie: Yes, this is my oldest daughter who's getting married. My other one already got married, but she's marrying somebody who has a very large family. His mother is the oldest of eight, and they're having 200 people, and my family is a lot smaller than that. What is happening is they made a decision that they weren't going to have any children under 18.

Now, on my side of the family, the great nieces and nephews are all under 18, and they don't live in the area. They would be traveling. That it's going to be like, well, my nephews and nieces are not going to come because they're not going to want to leave their children behind or leave them in a hotel. I'm not paying for this. I feel sort of hurt because they're thinking of this as being fair, but I don't see it as that-- It's not equal, but I shut my mouth, but it still bothers me.

Kousha: That is a very difficult situation to be in, Laurie. Gabby, any insight that Laurie might find helpful?

Gabriella: You know, I think, first and foremost, express those concerns with your daughter. They may have made their decision largely based around financial reasons. But also, if you think about it, there's a chance that the wedding they're planning is just not appropriate for someone under 18 to attend. I think that's what we also have to think about here. We obviously want our family and friends there. You want to have your support system as part of this special day, too, but their vision of a wedding might not include small children.

I think a great compromise that could be had here is to recommend hiring a local babysitter, and maybe your daughter can fund that, or if you wanted to contribute to that. That way family and friends can come in. There's someone that you guys all trust and feel really safe leaving their children with. That way the kids have a great time doing something that's not, you know, a wedding that they might feel a little bored at, and you get to have your family there.

Kousha: Laurie, we hope that is helpful to you. Best of luck with planning the wedding and congrats, a year from now on, the marriage. We're going to take a quick break. We're here with Gabby Rello Duffy, Brides' senior editorial director. Listeners, we're taking your calls. If you are a parent of somebody who is about to get married or has gotten married, if you are somebody getting married, and you have a parent and you have questions or stories, we're here for it. The number is 212-433-9692. That's 212-433-WNYC. We'll take a quick break, and we'll be right back after this.

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Kousha: This is All Of It on WNYC. I'm Kousha Navidar, and we are talking with the Brides senior editorial director, Gabby Rello Duffy. We are taking questions about parent etiquette at weddings. If you are a parent, and you are experiencing some planning or procrastination, or you're feeling like you don't know how to tackle some thorny questions that come up with the planning of your child's wedding, of the merging of the families, or if you're a child who is getting married soon, and you have experiences or stories that you want to share about the planning process or any stories at all related to the wedding and your parents, give us a call.

We're here at 212-433-9692. That's 212-433-WNYC. You can text us at that number. You can also hit us up on social. We're at All Of It WNYC, on Insta and on X. We got an interesting question from Rebecca in Brooklyn. Rebecca, hi. Welcome to the show.

Rebecca: Hi. Thanks so much for taking my call.

Kousha: Of course.

Rebecca: Yes. My partner and I are getting married next year, and we want to pay for the bulk of the wedding ourselves. Both sets of our parents have very kindly offered to contribute. However, I don't think they can both contribute the same amount. Just in the interest of keeping things fair, I'm definitely not of the mind that the bride's family should have to pay for the whole thing. I'm really wondering what is appropriate for us to ask.

Kousha: That's a great question, Rebecca. Gabby, what do you think?

Gabriella: I would say don't ask for a specific number and say, what are you comfortable contributing? I know, for myself, my parents and my husband's parents each contributed different amounts to our wedding. They very generously both gave us a number that they felt comfortable giving. We paid for a lot of our wedding ourselves. This is what's really common these days, though.

Instead of thinking about a specific number in mind, you know, whatever they are willing to contribute is incredibly thoughtful and incredibly generous. I would think about it that way. Then as you divide things like guest list, if they have radically different expectations about how many people they want to invite, I think whoever is contributing more, you potentially give a little more that way. Whatever they can do is really, really great.

Kousha: Your point there, Gabby, is don't put a specific number on it. Ask what folks are comfortable with. Is that right?

Gabriella: Absolutely. Yeah.

Kousha: Rebecca, I hope that's helpful. Thank you so much for calling. We have another caller who I think is dealing with finances as well. Jessica in Brooklyn. You're getting married in September.

Jessica: Yes, hi. Thanks for taking my call. I'm getting married in September here in Brooklyn at Kings County Distillery. Shout out to them. I had two interesting interactions with my parents who got married a very long time ago in the '80s when things were less expensive. Also, my parents are not together anymore, so they-- my dad's reaction was, "I'm father of the bride. I want to pay for the wedding." I said, well, this is how much we're planning.

First of all, I said, well, there's two brides. This traditional mindset that he had-- oh, this is what I was telling the screener. It's been really interesting. Both of my parents have come out with sort of traditional opinions or expectations that I wasn't expecting because neither of my parents are very traditional. When my dad said, "Oh, I want to pay for the wedding. I'm father of the bride," I said, well, first of all, there's two brides, so you don't really have to do that.

Also, we're planning to pay for everything ourselves. We're not expecting anything. Anything you want to contribute would be delightful. Here's what we're planning to spend. When I drop a in the thousands number, he went, "Ooh, I'll pay for the cake." [laughs] That was the first experience. I thought it was funny that my dad even cared about a traditional role. You know what I'm saying?

Then with my mom, she and I got into an argument about the plus-one situation. A lot of people are not going to have plus-ones because it's a small wedding, and it's New York, it's expensive. My mom is not paying for the wedding, but she made a stink about a plus one. She said, "Well, when my friend's daughter got married, she invited all kinds of her friends and blah, blah."

I was like, "Yeah, but did she pay for the wedding? Was the wedding in a big enough venue where they could hold that many people?" The distillery in the Navy Yard is not that big, so we can't even have more than 100 people anyway.

Kousha: Jessica, let me pause you there. I'm hearing something that I really want to pick up on.

Jessica: Yes, those are my stories.

Kousha: Yes, stay on the line for a quick sec. Gabby, Jessica said this one part, I think it might've been in Jess, but I want to pick up on it. Her dad said, "Okay, but maybe I'll pay for the cake." What's your response to that? Is that actually a good way of thinking about finances? Like pay for something rather than a dollar amount?

Gabriella: I think paying for something can be great, but I think it also comes down to maybe the couple didn't want a cake. I think there are things that parents may get it in their head, "Oh, I'll pay for the band." Maybe the couple wants a DJ. Then when they say they want a DJ, parents always receptive to paying for it anymore. I think what's important is the monetary amount for parents out there, I think if you have a number you want to contribute, give the couple that to spend it however they see fit.

Remember that this is their day. If they want a cake, and you want to pay for it, that's great. Their expectations of what a cake might cost might be very different than yours. I always say it's better to give a dollar amount that you're comfortable with instead of trying to fund something specifically.

Kousha: Yes. Thank you. Jessica, thank you so much for that call. We really appreciate it. We're here with Gabby Rello Duffy, Brides' senior editorial director. We're taking your calls about parent wedding etiquette. Do you have questions if you are a parent or if you have a parent and you're about to get married, or if you've already been married or your child has already been married and you have stories to share, give us a call. Send us a text. We're at 212-433-9692. That's 212-433-WNYC. You can also text us at that number. Of course, you can hit us up on social. We're at All Of It WNYC.

Going to read some text here. JW from Long island says, "I've got two weddings in 2025. One is my 26-year-old daughter. I am not with her mother. The future son-in-law is very businesslike, and he and I are managing the budgeting. We leave many details to the bride, and then my girlfriend's daughter will marry next year, too. That is more fraught since I'm not family per se. Not sure how comfortable she is with the ex-husband."

Gabby, this makes me think of how to how to handle interactions with the in-laws, how to build trust when you're doing this very large project, how to handle conversations that might be a little bit difficult. Any advice on that?

Gabriella: Yes, I would say over communicate in all scenarios, whether it is your child, whether it is your partner's child, whether it is an in-law, whatever it may be, over communicate. Let them know what you are comfortable with, hear their concerns or their preferences, and respect each other's traditions and values. That is paramount here.

Remember that this is the couple's day. They have a vision for this. I think working with your future son-in-law on budget is fantastic. I am very proud of JW for being an involved future father-in-law and contributing in that way and just being part of it all. I think that level of support is something that people often need, and I think that's really, really great.

Kousha: We've got another text here that says, "My 34-year-old son is marrying his partner this fall. I'd like to share what I have learned by 'supporting,'" and that's in quotes, "supporting the couple. It's important not to try to, quote, 'control them, them or the event.' Smiley face. I was hoping for an elegant event but needed to respect that the couple wanted a more playful and whimsical aesthetic.

Also, my husband and I wanted to host a Friday night rehearsal dinner, but the couple prefers to host their own welcome event. I've come to realize that they are older than I was when I married, and these are different times, and what they want is what matters. Smiley face." That's a wonderful text. Thank you so much. Here is another text that we've got.

"Not having your parents at your wedding can be really sad. At my wedding, we only had one parent there between the two of us. My husband's mom was so generous, caring, and thoughtful and suggested the three of us share a first parents dance, so I wouldn't be left out of having that first dance experience. It made me feel so cared for and loved." I just realized that's actually my wife that just texted that in, because that's exactly what happened at our wedding.

And I now see the number, and that is Elise's phone number, so shout out to Elise and shout out to my mom as well for doing that. That's exactly what we did in May. We all shared the same first dance together. That's a wonderful text. With that text, it brings up an important point about when there is maybe less than an ideal circumstance, Gabby. When there is maybe one parent or no parent, and then there needs to be some presence of parent. For people who are in that situation, any advice for how to navigate the planning process?

Gabriella: Yes, I think lean on the support system you have. Traditional parent values and traditional parent support can come from other people. I had a best friend whose parents were both, unfortunately, passed at the time of her wedding. Her future mother-in-law, very similarly, stepped in and made sure that she felt supported during the parent dances.

They really went out of their way to honor her parents throughout the day. I think, do the things that feel organic to you. If going wedding dress shopping as a bride without a moment feels really hard to involve other people in, do it on your own or bring one person along that you trust. Know that you can lean on friends and other family members in that scenario and allow time to feel your feelings.

You are very much so entitled to feel a little bit sad or heartbroken that this time is happening without that important person in your life. My heart goes out to you for that, and I hope that you can find the joy in it, but I think you will. I think it's really important to remember that there are other people who love and support you in this journey, too.

Kousha: We're here with Gabby Rello Duffy from Brides. She's a senior editorial director. Give us a call if you have a story or you have a question about parent etiquette at weddings. 212-433-9692. That's 212-433-WNYC. We've got Holly from Westport, Connecticut. Also sounds like you have a financial question. Is that right, Holly?

Holly: Yes. Well, I wanted to give an experience, and then the question, if that's okay.

Kousha: Absolutely, go ahead.

Holly: The experience is, when I got married, I got married in 1993, actually. At that time, my husband's mother and his father had passed away. Mother had Alzheimer's. Then I had my parents, and my parents paid for the whole wedding. As an example, this is an example, paid for the whole wedding, which was about $40,000. Of the people in attendance, half of them were from my side of the family or friends and families from my side and half from my husband's. We never let anybody know that his family didn't contribute anything. It just didn't matter. I think that's a great example.

Kousha: Wonderful. Thank you so much for that story.

Holly: My questions is--

Kousha: Yes, go for it. What's your question?

Holly: My question is, I have two sons, and I'm wondering how things are done now, because I just went to a wedding and it was not a pleasant experience. You could tell who was paying for the whole thing. My thought is, okay, we've saved up like 40,000 because I'm thinking that's a good number for each child when they get married. Do I offer that money to them and say, okay, you create a budget when you get married, and you can use this for the wedding or for the honeymoon. You can decide which one you want to do, like give them more of a carte blanche or is that just not done?

Kousha: Holly, thanks so much. Gabby, what do you think?

Gabriella: I think, one, that is incredibly generous and incredibly thoughtful that you've been thinking about this. First, I want to touch on what you were saying about you could tell when a wedding was paid for by one set of the family. I think, you know, guests aren't going to remember the decor or what they ate, but they're going to remember how that wedding felt. If it's fraught with stress and really, you know, obvious that the families are not getting along, that's what they're going to remember.

I think making sure that money is out everyone's minds on the big day is really important. In terms of giving a financial gift for the wedding, if that is money you feel comfortable giving them, give it to them to use however they want. Tell them you can use this for your wedding, like you said, for the honeymoon. Or maybe there are a couple who is going to say, we actually want to elope and use that for a down payment on a house.

I think you should feel really comfortable giving this money for whatever they choose to do if that's how you plan to give it. It is very much so done. Just because you are the mother of two boys doesn't mean you can't contribute a wedding gift in this way. I think that is great and incredibly generous.

Kousha: Holly, thank you so much for that call. We really appreciate it. There's a text here that we just got that says, "Please discuss a creative way to include step parents in a wedding. Families take on all different types, shapes, sizes, step parents specifically." Gabby, any advice about how to include them?

Gabriella: Yeah. One of my favorite things I've seen step parents do is walking the couple down the aisle. They might meet them halfway or walk them a certain portion of the way and then birth parents step in, or they join the birth parents or they walk down altogether. I think that's a really special and meaningful way to say, I've had an important job in raising this person and been in their life. A really nice way to honor them, I think parent dances can be really nice as long as your parents feel okay about that.

I would communicate with your parents and say, what are your expectations around having my step parent? I want them involved. I think that can be great. Giving a reading during the ceremony or a quick toast during the reception, a toast at the welcome party or rehearsal dinner. There are a lot of opportunities to honor this person and the life they have shared with you. I think do what feels right for you, and also just make sure your parents, your birth parents feel okay about it, too.

Kousha: Is assigning people jobs during weddings a sign that you're trying to include them or more work? Or does it depend on the person? Like, hey, can you help me out with this thing the day of.

Gabriella: Okay. I shouldn't say jobs. I should say roles.

Kousha: Roles. Sorry, roles.

Gabriella: We are giving people opportunities to speak and have honorary roles. I think of a job as, can you set up my flowers?

Kousha: Sure.

Gabriella: These are opportunities to take part. I always say offer. I would love if you would give a reading during the ceremony. Do you feel comfortable? We could pick out a passage together. I would love sharing a parent dance with you. Do you feel comfortable? Always give people the opportunity. More often than not, I would say your step parent will see that as an honor, or a friend, family, whatever it is will see it as an honor. It's nice to give them a chance to bow out if they don't feel comfortable, though.

Kousha: Absolutely. Some people don't like reading in public. Those people are not me. But there are people that exist out there. So I'm sure that there's all different kinds of shapes and sizes of people. Let's go to Nicole in Putnam. Hey, Nicole, welcome to the show.

Nicole: Thank you so much. I appreciate it. My story is a little bit difficult because, when my son told us that he was getting married, and I spoke to his fiancé's mom, and she said, I only have one shot at this, and I'm going to do this the way I see fit. Okay, that's fine. I have two kids, but I'm also a single person. The other couples involved, my ex-husband, they are both married, connected.

Anyway, they thought, or she thought that I was going to be able to give more money than I was able to. I stood firm with the amount that I could give. Let's just say that, since then, the relationship with my son's in-laws has been very, very strained. We see each other for certain events. I've offered to take her out for dinner so that we could discuss what's happened, what's transpired.

I mean, I was shunned, basically shunned the day of the wedding. It's left me feeling very happy for my son because he's really happy and they're happy and they're doing well. As far as relationships are concerned with the other side, it's been stressful. It's been difficult.

Kousha: Nicole, I'm so sorry to hear that experience and the strained relationships. Gabby, to you, I suppose the question that I would ask, hearing Nicole's experience is, okay, you can't control what happened in the past. How do you move forward? Or what do you do when the day is less than optimal for yourself?

Gabriella: Yes. I mean, I'm sorry to hear that, too, Nicole. I think it's unfortunate that there are parents who have expectations like that. I think there's a lot that can be done to mend the relationship, but it also comes down to whether or not you feel comfortable having a relationship with those in-laws. I think remembering that this was a day for the couple. At the end of the day, they enjoyed themselves and are happy and are in a great marriage and are feeling really secure in their relationship.

Some in-laws just aren't close unfortunately. I think work on the relationship you have with your kids and make sure you know that they understand that you did what you could for them, and that they feel loved and supported. I think, unfortunately, some people think of a wedding-- in this instance, it sounds like your son's in-laws thought of that wedding as theirs and not their child's.

I think you have to recognize that that is a fault that lies with them, unfortunately. If you can get together and move forward and let the past be in the past, that's great. I think just don't let it hamper your relationship with your son and in-law.

Kousha: Nicole, thank you so much for that call. I'm looking at the clock. We got to wrap up. There's one more question that we just got in the text. This is Amber from Queens. Amber asks, "How do I navigate my parents wanting to contribute but not wanting, 'their guests.'" I'm guessing here that "their guests" means that the parents want to control the guest list because they paid. I hope I'm characterizing that right. Gabby, what do you think about that?

Gabriella: I think set the expectations upfront. Tell them we want to have or we can only have 200 guests at our venue. We have 130 people we want. The other 70 is going to be split between you and the in-laws. There are 35 guests you can invite. They are your 35. Then the couple has to be okay with the fact that that 35 is up to the parents. They don't get to decide who they are. No strings attached. Those are their invites.

Kousha: Gabby is the senior-- I'm going to get this right. Senior editorial director from Brides. Gabriella Rello Duffy has been joining us. We've been discussing wedding etiquette and expectations for parents of the lucky couple getting married. Gabriella, thank you so much for joining us and for your great insights.

Gabriella: Thank you so much.

 

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