Title: Comedian Michelle Collins Previews Fall Tour

Alison Stewart: This is All Of It. I'm Alison Stewart, live from the WNYC studios in Soho. Thanks for sharing part of your day with us. I'm really grateful that you're here. On today's show, we'll be joined by Nini Nguyen, the author of Đặc Biệt, an extra-special Vietnamese cookbook. We'll also speak with author Danzy Senna about her hilarious new novel, Colored Television. We'll learn about the life and legacy of artist Arshile Gorky. That's the plan, so let's get this started.

[music]

Michelle Collins is here, a radio favorite, a great talk show guest, and as Time Out called her, the fastest mind in comedy. She's taking her show on the road. She's hitting Boston, St. Louis, Nashville, and kicking off here in New York City at 54 Below on September 5th and September 7th. Now, normally, this wouldn't be a long trip from home, but a little over a year ago, Collins moved to Amsterdam. She says it was to find tall guys to go on dates with, [laughter] but that didn't turn out so great, as you can hear about that, foreign language fights, and songs to set the mood in her show, The Big Natural Tour. Joining me in studio is Michelle Collins. It is so nice to see you.

Michelle Collins: Oh, my God. What a great intro. I'm like, "Who is this fabulous guest?" and it's me. [laughter] I'm like, "What? She sounds incredible." Hi, Alison. So good to be here.

Alison Stewart: You're a little bit jet lagged-

Michelle Collins: A little.

Alison Stewart: -because you just came in from Amsterdam.

Michelle Collins: It's shocking.

Alison Stewart: Why did you move to Amsterdam?

Michelle Collins: It's funny the excuse you gave, because that's the joke answer that I give, but I was in New York for-- since 1998, I went to Barnard, stayed here, and just after a while, midlife crisis, you want a change. I was in a prewar apartment. Every time I would come home, I'm looking at my bathroom tile. It was brown, and I'm clean. [laughter] I'm going, "Why?" I can't get it not brown anymore, and I think just during lockdown, I had a moment where I'm like, "I need a change."

They have a great visa program for Americans, as a heads-up to people. Very easy to get a visa there, and so I did it. I don't know how long it'll last, but for the moment, it's nice. I'm very anxiety-free, which is so not my personality that it's been strange.

Alison Stewart: It's been interesting. When I went to Amsterdam, it's so much-- part of it is like New York. It's New Amsterdam.

Michelle Collins: Every street that you go to there, you're like, "Wow." I lived on Amsterdam Avenue here. [laughter] I didn't even consider it. I'm like, "Oh, of course." It looks like the West Village, essentially, except it's affordable and you don't see Sarah Jessica Parker, which is a pity, but otherwise, it's very similar.

Alison Stewart: What has been the biggest change for you living there?

Michelle Collins: Okay, so this is really funny because it only really hits me when I come back here, which I still consider home for me, New York. Just the people are not funny, and they're not really warm, and I'm sure they'll never hear this. Hopefully the government doesn't hear this, but it's a very stiff kind of society. It's just not New York. The moment my flight lands, if I'm in Newark, I'm laughing with the baggage handlers, the taxi drivers. I'm going, "Everyone here wants to laugh." We want to connect.

You meet a cute dog on the street, the owner's nice. There, if you see a cute dog, you'll see a golden retriever, you'll think, "Oh, the cutest dog in the world." You go over, they yank it away from you. I'm going, "Why get a cute dog? Get a dog I don't want to pet. Don't get a corgi and then be mad at me when I'm interested." That has been a struggle a little bit.

Alison Stewart: How has it been for your career, being in Amsterdam?

Michelle Collins: Hilarious. What if I was like, "Well, I'm destitute." [laughter]

Alison Stewart: Hence the tour.

Michelle Collins: I have a show that I do every day on a Patreon. It's The Michelle Collins Show. You can go to my Instagram; there's a link. Career-wise, it's funny. Financially, it's fine in the people's eye or whatever. I guess it's more difficult to be on The Today Show, obviously, if I'm there, but yes, it's fine. It's a great way to be like, "Well, my career hasn't changed," [laughter] whereas if I lived here, I'd be like, "I guess everyone just hates me," so it's been fine. It's great.

Alison Stewart: What advice would you give to somebody thinking, "You know what? I'll be an expat. I'll do it." What advice would you give them?

Michelle Collins: You know what? It's really interesting. I say do it. At the very least, the one thing, depending on where you want to go, check your tourist visa policies, because before I pulled the trigger to move there, I knew that I could be in the EU for six months out of the year, and England separately now because of Brexit, for six months. I was testing the waters in different places to make sure that it would work for me. Also try to make some friends there, because if you move to a place where you really know no one, that is really difficult, but there are usually Facebook groups and other ways to meet people, so it's been nice.

Alison Stewart: Now, was it a pandemic move?

Michelle Collins: Mm-hmm.

Alison Stewart: Was it a result of you being by yourself and thinking, "I got to change something"?

Michelle Collins: Why is this, like, "Why am I the loneliest person to ever be on WNYC?" [laughter] I'm like, "Now with this, you were so lonely. Isn't that right?" I'm reading here. I'm going, "Where are you reading that?" Well, a little bit-- you know, lockdown. Listen, I had a cute little COVID pod in my building, so I was one of the lucky ones who did have like a couple people. I think that that was part of it for sure. The noise gets very quiet during lockdown, and I was like, "I can't really do this anymore."

Alison Stewart: How did the pandemic change how you thought about show business?

Michelle Collins: It changed a lot, I'm sure. I don't know if you felt it too.

Alison Stewart: Yes. We did this show from my basement for a very long time. [laughs]

Michelle Collins: So dark. Everything turned into Gary Sinise in Ransom. [laughter] I'm like, "Why am I in someone's basement? What am I doing here?" because I was at Sirius at the time, and I had to do my show from home. It was a very braless experience, I'll give you that much. [laughter] My breasts loved it, because they said they could be free and loose, but it made it lonely, just the job. Forget life, just not being able to be face to face with your guests, and that was hard.

Alison Stewart: You're a longtime New Yorker. You went to Barnard, art history. Is that right?

Michelle Collins: Can you imagine? Yes, that is right.

Alison Stewart: Did you partake in the Rijksmuseum, or however you say it?

Michelle Collins: Yes, the Rijksmuseum. Yes. I live very close by to it. I go once in a while. It's a beautiful museum if you get a chance. They have The Night Watch, Rembrandt's massive painting. Everything there is big, the people, the paintings. Huge. It's huge. Your producer is saying it's-- I didn't know what she was doing, [laughter] but I thought she was choking, but she's okay, everyone. It is massive. It's a beautiful place. You should come visit before I leave.

Alison Stewart: What is it like when you're an art history major and you're surrounded by the Dutch masters? I mean, there's Rembrandt museum. There's the Van Gogh.

Michelle Collins: Yes. Nice job.

Alison Stewart: Thank you.

Michelle Collins: The Vermeer exhibit, that was major last year at the Rijksmuseum. That felt like the Coachella of paintings. Everybody showed up for that. I said, "Why?" It was like Burning Man. I'm like, "Why are you in a bra top?" I don't know what I'm saying, but, yes, it's nice. Here's the problem with college. It was a long time ago. Do I retain everything? Of course not, but do I have a passion for beautiful museums and culture? Yes. I'm like a regular-- I'm just like you, Alison. Just because you didn't major in art history-- We're the same.

Alison Stewart: I would love to have majored in art history.

Michelle Collins: What did you major in?

Alison Stewart: English.

Michelle Collins: Oh, see, that's smart.

Alison Stewart: Yes. Juliana's Dutch, by the way.

Michelle Collins: No kidding.

Alison Stewart: [unintelligible 00:06:55] found out--

Michelle Collins: [laughter] Oh my God. Tell me now after I'm like, "The rudest people. They're so cheap." Hi. It's true. You look Dutch. Honestly, I see it. Oh, she's so nice. That's so funny. I'm glad you agree with me, though.

Alison Stewart: Yes.

Michelle Collins: Yes. Okay. Thank you.

Alison Stewart: Nicest person in the world.

Michelle Collins: She's adorable and sweet. I bet I could pet-- if she had a dog, I know she'd be nice.

Alison Stewart: She would.

Michelle Collins: I bet you don't split checks. I can tell from here. I know. They split every fricking check there. I'm like, can you let us--

Alison Stewart: On your dates?

Michelle Collins: On dates. Once in a blue-- girl, down to the fricking ice cubes. You don't want to know. It's bleak, bleak. Anyway, I'm happy. [laughter] It's fun to complain about, honestly.

Alison Stewart: My guest is Michelle Collins. She'll be appearing at 54 Below September 5th through the 7th. All right, so the big tour. When did you get the idea for the big tour?

Michelle Collins: The Big Natural Tour?

Alison Stewart: Big Natural Tour, okay.

Michelle Collins: It's a play on words, because I'm 6 foot 1 and quite curvy as well. When did I get the idea? Listen, I've been doing stand up for such a long time, and I had-- if you want to call it a mild residency at Joe's Pub for a long time, which I loved. So I just wanted to get back out on the road. I started working with my new manager, Josh, who's listening. Hi, Josh. And he works with huge Broadway performers, and he knows how to just book a tour, and he said, "Let's do it."

So we had gone to like eight cities back in May, which was the first time I had really toured. It's tiring. It's exhausting, but it was really rewarding. I have a lot of listeners who come to the show. There are meet and greets after, and so it's so nice to connect with people who you only ever see their comments and then to meet them face to face. We just said, "Let's do some other cities." I've never been to Nashville. I've never been to St. Louis. We're going back to Boston, back to Philly, Cincinnati. Great zoo. They have hippopotamus there. I don't know if you're familiar. So we're very excited about the hippos, and it's just nice. I love getting on a plane.

Alison Stewart: What did you want your tour to have, and what didn't you want your tour to have?

Michelle Collins: That's such a funny question, because it can go in-- I'm like, I didn't want local stowaways to show. [laughter] Well, listen, my style is very off-the-cuff, so even though this tour is technically the same, mostly the same material from last time, it's always-- I'm chatting with the audience. I love meeting people. I love connecting with people, so there's always something different show to show. Even if you've seen me more than once, people know that.

It's a little slice of my life. What didn't I wanted to have? I can't even answer that because the show is so me. It's me filtered down. I have a slideshow presentation behind me because I have ADHD, so it helps keep my mind seriously on track and remember things. A lot of visual jokes. I do a whole thing about guys on Tinder in the Netherlands, and their names, which are just-- some of them are shocking. [laughter] I won't spoil any now, but she's laughing. Some of the names are fully cancelable. [laughter] Before-- in the '80s, they would have gotten canceled, not even today, so it's shocking when you see a lot of guys posing by the Berlin Holocaust memorial. That's another choice.

Alison Stewart: That is a choice.

Michelle Collins: A lot, not just one, popping out from behind the beams. I'm going, "People lost their lives for this. So romantic." I'm being sarcastic.

Alison Stewart: When you're improvising, when you're going on a tangent, how do you know when it's time to come back?

Michelle Collins: Ooh, good question. It's almost musical in a way, because it's like you have the rhythm, the timing, and I think when you start to see the audience glaze over, when their eyes start to mattify and roll back in their heads, usually, for me, that's a sign you can move on. That's probably it, but it's like composing music. You have to know the timing when the in, when the out, and I don't know, it's sort of innate.

Alison Stewart: A lot of people are bemoaning the audience, that they don't know how to behave since COVID. Social media is full of comics doing crowd work and the likes. How do you handle people who are maybe letting you know about the show or maybe not knowing you like they like the joke they just told?

Michelle Collins: It's hard. And here's the thing-- is that I have a unique situation because the people who are coming there, because they listen so much, they really know me, and I know some of them, so I don't want to ever make anyone feel bad, othered or-- it's never my intention. We have had a couple - I mean literally, maybe twice - people showing up a little drunk, like, too drunk. That's tough. Luckily, they have people there to take care of that. If it gets bad, usually there's someone there to take care of it, but I, knock on wood, have been very fortunate. Don't try to change that at my 54 Below shows, listeners. [laughter] Don't think, "You know what? This will be fun." For the most part, I've been very lucky, and it's been great.

Alison Stewart: Have you been at 54 Below before?

Michelle Collins: Okay, funny story is that I believe I was there the night Andy Cohen got COVID. I'm not being funny. The last time I was there, my friend John Hill had a show. Andy and I were the guests, and it was packed, I don't need to tell you. It's a great venue. You've been. It's fun and bawdy and great. That night was the night Tom Hanks got COVID, and we were backstage with Andy, and we got the TMZ alert, "Tom Hanks has COVID," our most beloved celebrity, born on my birthday, by the way. I said, "What?" I think when I heard Tom Hanks had it, that's when I knew it was a full pandemic.

Alison Stewart: [unintelligible 00:12:03] for real.

Michelle Collins: Yes. And then two days later, Andy Cohen got it, and I think I was too poor to get tested. Not to brag, but remember the time. It was very hard to get a test.

Alison Stewart: It was [unintelligible 00:12:12] come to think of it.

Michelle Collins: Andy, God bless, just listed his $14 million apartment. Andy got tested. [laughs] God bless him.

Alison Stewart: I saw that in The New York Times this morning.

Michelle Collins: Amazing. Well, he deserves it. Listen, beautiful place.

Alison Stewart: When you did the tour the first time around, first of all, what did you change about the tour, having had the experience of touring?

Michelle Collins: Oh, for this time, you mean?

Alison Stewart: Yes.

Michelle Collins: You know what? It's funny because I also did it in London back in July for five nights, which was great, kind of a smaller venue. A couple things changed. There are a couple moments, if I post it on social media, sometimes I like to take it out of the main show just because then it's already out there, but I have a couple of updates for this, like things that happened this summer, funny moments, obviously, when the news changes pop culture, everything too. The show incorporates pop culture. For example, I went to a Shrek bath in Edinburgh.

Alison Stewart: A Shrek? Shrek?

Michelle Collins: Are you a Shrek head, Alison?

Alison Stewart: No.

Michelle Collins: Your loss. [laughter] Huge mistake. Major.

Alison Stewart: What [unintelligible 00:13:13]? A Shrek-

Michelle Collins: Bath.

Alison Stewart: -bath.

Michelle Collins: I was in Edinburgh for the fest, seeing some friends, and Lush, the Lush spa, which you can smell like an Abercrombie from two miles away-- so Lush had a Shrek bath, and you went in. It was completely Shrek-themed, like in the swamp, and they put a green bath bomb in there. I did wear a bathing suit because I don't trust other people who want to go to the Shrek bath, you know what I mean? That's like a red flag. Not for me; it's a green flag. They played the soundtrack, and you just relaxed in a green bath in a swamp.

He didn't come in to the bath. That would have been nice. I could have used it, to be honest. Why did I bring that up? Because that might be something that-- I talk about Shrek a little bit. I don't want to give too much away.

Alison Stewart: Don't give too much away.

Michelle Collins: It's fun. I promise.

Alison Stewart: It's interesting, though, the poster for your first gig. You're very va-va-voom. You're wearing a sheath dress and come-hither eyes. In this one, you're sitting like criss-cross applesauce, a little demure, a little mindful.

Michelle Collins: So me, yes.

Alison Stewart: What was behind the change in the poster?

Michelle Collins: I was sick of looking at myself in the first picture, so I went back genuinely nauseous for myself. I was like, "It's enough." Plus, you want to change it up for social media and to let people know, "Hey, it's shifting." So I have a fabulous photographer in London named Victor who took those photos, and I just thought I looked like a little '90s sitcom character. In that second picture, I thought, "Maybe this is a little bit of me in the fall." It's also fall and be a little more covered up. It's [unintelligible 00:14:38] breezy out. Subway still stinks. I took the train here. God, it's bad. What's going on?

Alison Stewart: I know, but you know what? You can get so far for so little. That's what I always think when I'm on a subway.

Michelle Collins: I literally could not-- I'm going to tell if Eric Adams is listening, and I know he is. The Rockefeller Center BD platform today, something happened there. I don't want to bring it up. Maybe this is breaking news. Remember when the city smelled like maple syrup and we were like, "We're going crazy"? That's not what it smelled like.

Alison Stewart: Not what it smelled like.

Michelle Collins: The entire platform-- usually smell stays limited. Someone waved-- I don't want to say what it was, but a big old-- can I say Judy flag on WNYC? I don't know. Something happened. Thank you. I got the thumbs up. Okay. Anyway.

Alison Stewart: Michelle Collins: The Big Natural Tour is appearing at 54 Below September 5th through the 7th. If you google you, your name, there are a lot of other Michelles, Michelle Collins. There's even a link that says you are Judy Collins' daughter.

Michelle Collins: Is there?

Alison Stewart: Yes, just so you know.

Michelle Collins: Oh, like the singer?

Alison Stewart: Yes.

Michelle Collins: God, wouldn't that be great? [laughter] I'd own a Land Rover if that were the case. Unfortunately, my mom is Judy Collins, but a different Judy Collins.

Alison Stewart: Exactly. What has been the funniest mistaken identity?

Michelle Collins: Oh, that's such a great question. Listen, there's a British actress named Michelle Collins, and our email addresses are one letter off. When I tell you the amount of invites I get to yacht parties in Ibiza-- that's how they say it. I'm not that person. That's how they say it-- to all kinds of premieres, and for a long time, I didn't know who to send it to. Eventually, I did get her email and figured it out.

I actually interviewed her on stage for my podcast like two years ago. I knew her email address, obviously, and I reached out, and so we met face to face. That was very big. That was my Frost-Nixon moment, meeting the other Michelle Collins, but also a lot of criminal Mich-- if you Google, like, "criminal Michelle Collins," a lot of messed up Michies out, but they got to get it together, because my Google results depend on this.

Alison Stewart: Your Judy Collins is featured in your show, your mom. What does she think about appearing in your act?

Michelle Collins: Listen, my parents came to Boston last leg of the tour, and my mom and I cohost one of my shows per week. People pay extra to hear her, okay? It's called the "Hello Everybody" tier, because that's how she greets everybody. She shows up with my dad. My manager walks them to their seats, and I was nervous because I know what I'm about to talk about. I have video of her and stuff. She got a bigger round of applause than I got. [laughter] Are you listening to this? People were on their feet afterwards. They lined up to meet-- I mean, she's hysterically funny, very glamorous. You can see her on my Instagram. You would absolutely love her.

I'm always worried when people meet her that they're going to push me into a ditch [laughter] because I'm sort of the worst version of her, but it made her year, and I was shocked, frankly, that she had such a great attitude about the stories about her. She was laughing harder than anyone else, so it's all in good fun, obviously.

Alison Stewart: And your dad did a little bit of stand up.

Michelle Collins: My little dad.

Alison Stewart: Yes, your little dad.

Michelle Collins: So sweet. My dad. Hi, Mel. Yes, he did.

Alison Stewart: What did you learn from him about stand up?

Michelle Collins: You know what's so funny? He did stand up in the '80s at old age homes in Miami, and he would tell a lot of old Yiddish jokes. He would do a Jackie Mason impression. That was sort of his thing. He said he would do jokes, dirty jokes, and see the doors opening as these older-- we call them alte kakers-- would leave in the middle of his act.

I grew up in a house full of dirty jokes. I was watching Def Comedy Jam when I was nine, the real stuff, George Carlin, Ellen, all of the Rita Rudner, and my dad was really such a big part of me loving stand up because it was just my family. We'd have dinner parties, and there would be the joke moments. My dad would leave, but I'd listen and he would tell these dirty jokes. He's a big part of why I definitely got into this.

Alison Stewart: What have you learned about comedy by listening to a George Carlin or a Joan Rivers that you use all the time?

Michelle Collins: Joan, my hero in life. What have I learned about comedy? You mean as far as the effect it kind of has on society or just for me personally, I guess?

Alison Stewart: For you personally that you can use regularly, on a regular-- that is like, "Okay, this is what comedy's about."

Michelle Collins: It's interesting, because it is almost a way of flirting, I think, like just being funny, and not even in a sexual way with people, but just making friends, meeting new people. I think it ingratiates yourself with people right away. If you can be funny with someone and make them laugh, you really build a lot of trust. It can go the opposite way sometimes as well, obviously, but I really love meeting new people. That's my trade. I just love human beings.

I really feel lucky that I can use humor to bridge gaps and make-- maybe if you see someone's having a bad day or someone who's working really hard in a shop or something and you can make them laugh, and it just-- it's nice to brighten people. Maybe that's a narcissistic thing to say. As I'm hearing it, I'm like, "Wait, I'm a monster," but it's a nice feeling to make people feel good.

Alison Stewart: Because you have such a fast mind, has there ever been a time when maybe it went a little too fast?

Michelle Collins: Every damn day. [laughter]

Alison Stewart: When you really stepped over a line, you thought, "Oh, if I could just get that back."

Michelle Collins: Oh, God, constantly, yes. Especially when you do radio or live things like this, you have no safety net in this job because you are going for it. When I was doing Sirius for so many years, of course there were times-- sometimes I would speak so quickly that people would even misunderstand what I was saying, and that's dangerous, too, because things get warbled and everything, and so it's a dangerous time, not-- you know what I mean. You have to be careful about just even doing a job like this, God forbid, but, I don't know. For the most part, I'm a nice person, so I'm good-hearted, so I don't know, I feel like, for the most part, it's been okay.

Alison Stewart: Have you had an opportunity when you realize what you have said has just been on everybody's mind but you had the mouth to say it?

Michelle Collins: Oh, my God. I'm trying to think of a specific example. You mean like finally voicing what the people feel?

Alison Stewart: Yes.

Michelle Collins: Please. Look, there's a reason Taylor Swift fans don't like me. [laughter] God bless her, and what a talent, because I can't afford that heat. I am at 54 Below Thursday and Saturday. [laughter] I don't know. I feel like that's also part of the fun is to be-- and it's an opinion. Everything is opinion-based these days, and everyone has an opinion, so I don't know. It's kind of fun. Conspiracy theories now and again can be exciting here and there, but I don't try lean into that side of things too much.

Alison Stewart: As you mentioned, you were on Sirius for a long time, and you're on Patreon now.

Michelle Collins: I'm on Patreon. michcoll, look me up.

Alison Stewart: What is it you like about podcasting?

Michelle Collins: It's the best job in the world. Come on. Even this, it's-- when you're a talker, as we are, and this is your passion, what's a better job than this? It's not work. You get to show up, meet people, talk to them. It's the most exciting thing there is. It keeps you on your toes. It keeps you informed. I have to read the news every day, pop culture, watch all my TV shows. I talk a lot about Big Brother and Housewives and Below Deck and all of these shows, so for me, it's like I am educated every single day, usually with mindless things. I'm getting dumber, but I'm somehow also educating myself.

Alison Stewart: What is your relationship to radio? Because live radio is different than podcasting.

Michelle Collins: I prefer live for me.

Alison Stewart: Why?

Michelle Collins: Because, even sitting here with you, that's the fun of it. I love immediate gratification. I want to know people got it and you can move on. When you're done with this job, you don't have to edit anything. You go home and you go to your beautiful son, [laughter] and you live your life, whereas now that I'm doing podcasting and I do everything, I edit. I'm booking the guests and everything. It's obviously more work, but it's a little bit more draining, I think, overall, but it's also great because it lives forever and people can listen to it whenever they want. There's still a lot of magic because I, for the most part, do live to tape, so it's almost the same thing.

Alison Stewart: What do you think is next for you after the tour?

Michelle Collins: You tell me. I'm waiting. I don't know, Alison. What's next? There's a possibility I will come back to New York next year.

Alison Stewart: Ooh.

Michelle Collins: I know.

Alison Stewart: That's exciting.

Michelle Collins: It is. Can I afford it? You tell me. Should I show you my bank balance? I don't know. It seems scary.

Alison Stewart: That's rough.

Michelle Collins: What's median rent? $4,500 for a one-bedroom.

Alison Stewart: That's rough.

Michelle Collins: What do you think? Brown tile. I can't do it. Jersey? Where do I go?

Alison Stewart: You know what? You got to reach out to your network of friends.

Michelle Collins: Okay. Three people.

Alison Stewart: Yes.

Michelle Collins: Yes. [laughter] Three lovely people. My big network.

Alison Stewart: Well, there will be more after this Thursday and Saturday.

Michelle Collins: I hope so. But, yes, if I come back, well, we should get dinner or coffee when I'm back, but we'll see.

Alison Stewart: Michelle Collins: The Big Natural Tour will hit 54 Below on September 5th and September 7th. It was nice to have you in studio.

Michelle Collins: Alison, such a pleasure. Love you. Thank you.

Alison Stewart: And it's going to come on, and it's going to go, and it's going to happen. See, this is live radio, like this.

Michelle Collins: I'll sing right now. [laughs]

Alison Stewart: We wait till Juliana's going to get the promo going. Are we ready? Yes? Okay. It's nice to see you again.

Michelle Collins: Bye, Ali.

 

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