Eloise Blondiau: Hi, I'm Eloise Blondiau, one of the people who makes OTM. Our colleagues here at WNYC are a very creative bunch. A few years ago, Brooke was asked to be part of a project dreamt up by one of our favorites, Amy Pearl. The podcast series was called 10 Things That Scare Me, described as a tiny podcast about our greatest fears. Each episode was only seven minutes long. This week we want to replay Brooke's episode.
[music]
Brooke Gladstone: The problem is, most of what I've ever done in my life is motivated by fear. It's like a big dust storm of fear. [chuckles] You're asking me to pick out 10 little moats or something. Then, of course, there's all the fears that you don't even realize that you have. I once went to this anesthesiologist/therapist who used the technique where he would put you under just to the point where you would have no memory of what you said, and it would be unmediated by anything social.
I went in there for various complaints about work and the way I live my life. Then, when I went under, the first thing I said was, "I can't sleep unless the kids are home." The kids are 33 years old. That is not something that I'm aware of continually, but it was the first thing that came out of my mouth after the drug started to work. In our pre-drug discussion he said, "There are are certain things you can't control." I said, "Of course, I know that. What do you think I'm nuts?" Then under the drug he said, "There are things that you can't control." I said, "Not true. I can control it if I just focus hard enough."
One, fear that something bad will happen in my kids. Two, fear that something bad will happen to Fred. Three, fear that I will be revealed as an imposter. I know a lot of people have that. Four, fear of failure. When I started as a reporter, I didn't really know anything at all about journalism. I would leave with my boss at 6:30 or so. It was in Washington and I'd go down the Dupont Circle subway.
When he was out of range, I would go back to the office and get driven home by Melvin who operated the elevator in that building, and he was off at one. I snuck around like this because I didn't want him to know how hard I was struggling to figure out how to write a lede and how to organize things. That degree of working through the night thing. If I could choose, it wouldn't be my process, but I've always worked full-bore, not because I love it, but because of fear. Five, fear of loss of control. I have a long-standing, age-old fear of finding myself broke and sitting on a curve with a bottle of Thunderbird in a brown paper bag. That's--
[music]
Brooke Gladstone: [laughs] Seven, and this is a big one, boredom. So much in my life has been motivated by boredom. I make choices based on this terrible fear of boredom. The second that I get bored, I start to screw up as a way to remove myself from the situation that is boring me.
Eight, fear of running out of time. I have a lot to learn about to live before I die. Everything that is good in my life, my life is so good and it is a tragedy, but even more it's a crime. It's practically immoral that I can't see that every moment of every day. Nine, fear that I will never conquer being afraid. Number 10, I know the numbers tell us that this is a kinder, better place than it's ever been, but I fear that the democratic experiment may be coming to an unsuccessful conclusion. This brings me back to fear number one. I'm really scared about what's going to happen to the kids.
It's interesting, once I asked Margaret Atwood, who's a number of years older than I am, isn't she worried about what's going on with the environment? She said, "It's funny, people are always asking me if I'm worried. Sure, I'm worried what's going to happen to people, but there's nothing I can do anymore. What's the point in being worried?" Wow, there's something to strive for when I get to my 70s. I'm Brooke Gladstone, and here are 10 things that scare me.
[music]
Eloise Blondiau: Thanks for listening to this podcast extra. Don't forget to sign up for our newsletter at onthemedia.org. Please come back on Friday for this week's show. It's going to be a good one.
[music]
Copyright © 2022 New York Public Radio. All rights reserved. Visit our website terms of use at www.wnyc.org for further information.
New York Public Radio transcripts are created on a rush deadline, often by contractors. This text may not be in its final form and may be updated or revised in the future. Accuracy and availability may vary. The authoritative record of New York Public Radio’s programming is the audio record.
