Tanzina Vega: Last week on the show, we discussed the tweet I sent out about "the pandemic wall" I was hitting from the burnout of parenting during the pandemic, without proper childcare, constant workflow, non-stop news, and social isolation. The response to that tweet was overwhelming. I'm far from the only one suffering right now. Thousands of you say you've also hit that wall. While it seems counterintuitive to do less right now, my next guest says there's lots of power in resting. Katherine May is a writer and author of Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times. Katherine, thanks for joining us.

Katherine May: Thanks so much for having me.

Tanzina: Katherine, we're tired. Very tired. We thought 2020 was going to kind of end and things would- but it's not letting up. 2021 has a lot of similar energy as 2020. A lot of people are using the word burnout, but you use a concept called wintering. What is wintering?

Katherine: Wintering is the idea that throughout our lives, we have these moments when we kind of fall through the cracks so that might be-- I mean, I never wrote the book to predict a pandemic, but it might be because of some kind of a life event, it might be mental or physical illness, but however it comes along, it's this really unpleasant time in our life, but it's also this crucible of change. It's often the place where we begin to really rethink our priorities and wonder about the next phase for us.

Tanzina: Could that be something that we do alone? When I was reading parts of the book, I kept thinking this is almost like saying, "It's okay to say I'm not okay right now."

Katherine: Absolutely. I honestly think that, particularly at this stage in the game, as you say, we're burned out, we've hit a wall. It's so important for us to be able to say, "I am not okay with any of this," because it isn't okay. I think as you were pointing out before, it's particularly not okay for parents who have dived in to rescue absolutely everything right now.

We're doing child care, we're doing schooling, we are trying to work full-time jobs, we're worrying about older relatives, we're worrying about our own health.It just is a very, very heavy burden to carry. That doesn't mean to say it's going to go away, but I don't think we do ourselves any favors at all if we try and pretend that everything's fine and just whistle through it.

Tanzina: What does wintering entail first of all? Second of all, does it only happen in the winter, or is that a concept that you created?

Katherine: No, absolutely. Wintering can happen at any time in the year, although I do think that sometimes in the actual winter, the seasonal winter, it can be particularly bad. I think we're all feeling restricted at the moment as well, not only because of pandemic stuff but also because the weather is keeping us indoors, there's no opportunity to relax and kickback. I think at least in the summer, it maybe felt a little bit like we had some fun options. All the fun options are gone.

The kind of character of winter is this big cocktail of emotions really. There's a lot of loneliness and isolation, frustration, boredom, feeling left out, feeling like everybody else is carrying on and we're not. I think at least in a pandemic we may be [unintelligible 00:03:23] in the same boat but even then I think there's a sense that we're doing this all individually. We're not in this together because we can't be, and that's what's making this particularly hard.

Tanzina: How does one begin to get into a wintering phase? Let's say we've hit the wall, we're burned out, we're standing on the precipice of who knows what, at this point, what do you recommend? You're saying that people should actually lean into that feeling? They should do less maybe?

Katherine: Yes, absolutely. This is a time to take enormous care of yourself. We've been bandying this self-care phrase about for a while, and it's been diluted to mean something quite commercial, like have a nice bubble, bath by yourself, a scented candle. The roots of self-care come from the disability movement and they are so relevant to all of us at the moment because what we need to do is meet our own needs, which is something that we so often fail to do.

That means adjusting our priorities right now. We cannot do everything, I think we've busted that myth awhile ago. I hope we have because it simply isn't possible to carry on with every element of our lives as normal. Something has to give, and if it doesn't, it's us who give. It's our health that that suffers, it's our mental health, it's our family relationships. This is a time to radically reprioritize what we can possibly do.

That counts for employers too. They've got to begin to really listen to people about the strain they're under right now. Yes, we cannot do everything. The kids will be okay as long as we look after their mental health. They will catch up with the stuff at school, they will manage without knowing the intricacies of algebra this year or whatever it is you're trying to teach them.

Tanzina: Katherine, I have to stop you. You sound like you're telling people to do less and to be okay with that. You're telling Americans to do that?

Katherine: [laughs] Oh my goodness, we have that same problem in Britain too, don't you worry.

Tanzina: It's across the pond, so you're telling people to do a radical thing, which is relax.

Katherine: Yes. I think relax might be a bit of a tall order at the moment, to be honest, but to actively rest, if we can. That means not pushing ourselves not to get enough sleep, for example, to try and fit more in. Prioritizing stuff like taking five minutes to read a book, walking around the block if we can. I've got so many friends who are parents at the moment who are not leaving the house because they just feel so under pressure. Actually, I think if we can take 15 minutes a day to prioritize our own health, we're going to survive this a lot better. Yes, Americans need to learn it and the Brits need to learn it too. This is a moment that we're being taught something.

Tanzina: I guess the one thing I would say is that a lot of people might be confused about how to do that or whether they should do that. It almost feels like you're saying that we should have some compassion for ourselves. Again, these are mind-blowing concepts for a lot of people who just go, go, go, go, go. You might even be suggesting that we are a little bit easier on ourselves in this moment?

Katherine: I know. I love the incredulity in your voice there. [laughs]

Tanzina: I'm trying to get this into my head, but I think it's wonderful.

Katherine: It is time. We, over the last 30, 40 years have pushed ourselves harder and harder, and filled in every single little hole and corner in the day. Even when we have a moment of downtime, we pick up our phones and before we know it we're in our emails and there's another task in our mind. You cannot keep going like this, none of us can. It is time for us all to learn to compromise, to accept that, God forbid, we are not perfect, and to accept that actually, we're not in control of events right now.

There's no route or behavior that will make this all okay. Actually, when you surrender to that idea, it kind of lets you off the hook a bit. This is not within the force of your will to master it and get on top of it. Instead, we need to soften and allow ourselves the experience of failing a little bit.

Tanzina: You said that. Oh my, Katherine May, changing lives here. Katherine May is the author of Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times. Katherine, thank you so much for that message.

Katherine: Thank you and good luck.

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