KATHY: Tobin.

TOBIN: Kathy.

KATHY: We have a new colleague in the studio today, Ms. Michelle Buteau.

MICHELLE: Hi!

TOBIN: Welcome Michelle!

MICHELLE: Hi!

TOBIN: Hiiiiiii!

MICHELLE: Oh my god. I feel like I got invited to like the cool kids table in lunch. To be like, "We're cool and smart, do you want to sit with us?" I’m like, "Hell yeah."

[THEME MUSIC STARTS]

KATHY: Michelle, we have you here to talk about your new show, Late Night Whenever.

MICHELLE: Yes!

KATHY: People are like, you know, "Who's the next guest? How do I get tickets?" There’s so many questions, but how often are people asking you, "How are you doing?”

MICHELLE: Oh my god!

TOBIN: How are you?

MICHELLE: Don't make me cry, I'm gonna get my period this weekend.

[TOBIN & KATHY LAUGH]

MICHELLE: But we don't know what day it is. Ow!

[ALL LAUGH]

[MUSIC ENDS]

MICHELLE: You know what, I'm doing good. It's really crazy. I'm not making a lot of money…

KATHY: [LAUGHS]

TOBIN: Sure, sure.

MICHELLE: But I am the happiest I have been in a long time.

TOBIN: Hmhmm.

MICHELLE: Do you know what I mean?

TOBIN: Yes.

MICHELLE: I feel like I’m starting all over again, where I get to, like, create something and see it flourish and it’s really, really, really fun.

TOBIN: What should people know about Late Night Whenever?

MICHELLE: It's sort of like a daytime talk show meets a nighttime show but, like, we can say "fuck" and have feelings and talk about whatever we want whenever we want.

TOBIN: Yes, I love it.

MICHELLE: Me too! I love it! I pay someone to do my hair for a podcast!

TOBIN: [GASPS]

MICHELLE: That's how much I love it.

TOBIN: Amazing. You got that mattress money.

MICHELLE: Girl, yes honey, yes!

[ALL LAUGH]

TOBIN: So we're going to share a very special episode today. Can you tell us a little bit about what is in this episode?

MICHELLE: So one of my really good friends in comedy, Matteo Lane, he's amazing, he can do everything and it's so annoying.

KATHY: He is so funny!

MICHELLE: Um, also Nico Tortorella from Younger. Nico wrote a book of poems, and this motherfucker will look at you and you're just like, "Oh I am not a woman or a man, I am just a thing in his eyes and I want to be naked."

[ALL LAUGH]

MICHELLE: But like not naked sexually but, you know, okay, sure, whatever. It's just wild.

[MUSIC]

TOBIN: Michelle Buteau, host of Late Night Whenever, thank you so much for being here!

MICHELLE: Oh my god, you guys.

KATHY: Thank you.

MICHELLE: Just, the professionalism is at an all time high.

[TOBIN & KATHY LAUGH]

MICHELLE: Thank you for being you.

TOBIN: Ah, likewise.

KATHY: Likewise.

MICHELLE: Now get over here, I want to motorboat you bitches.

TOBIN: [GASP] Yes!

KATHY: That is such an honor.

MICHELLE: You're welcome. Here for you.

[MUSIC ENDS]

[WHISTLE]

[LATE NIGHT WHENEVER THEME]

ROB LEWIS: And now the host of Late Night Whenever, please give it up for Michelle Buteau!

[Cheering]

MICHELLE: Hi! Oh my God!  What's up New York City? How you motherfucking feeling?

[Cheering]

MICHELLE: Hell yeah. Welcome to Late Night Whenever. I'm your host Michelle Buteau. Ow! My best friend, oh I love you boo, Rob Lewis.

ROB: I love you too Michelle. Thank you.

MICHELLE: Aww, the love is in the room. I have to say I'm very excited to be back in New York City. I just flew in from L.A. today. I'm always just so impressed by the tattoo game. Because bitches are just walking around with spiders on their neck and I'm trying not to make eye contact cuz I'm like you been in prison. Living in L.A. does make you want to go gluten-free and get some tattoos. I don't have -- make some noise if you have tattoos.

[Cheering]

MICHELLE: Oh, a lot of you guys. I don't. I'm really bad at making decisions

[Laughter]

MICHELLE: And I always like to take stuff back after 30 days with a receipt. The one tattoo I was thinking about getting for a hot minute was a waterfall on the side of my thigh.

[Laughter]

MICHELLE: Yes! Because it's wet, honey!

[Laughter]

MICHELLE:  I never really got into the tattoos. I really want to though. I tried piercings. Y'all tried piercings? You tried piercings, Rob?

ROB: Nah, I don't have any piercings. I mean I had an earring at one point in my life but no more.

MICHELLE: Ooh, okay. Like a stud or a hoop?

ROB: It was a hoop.

MICHELLE: Ooh I feel like every drug dealer I met in college had a hoop. I tried to get a nose ring when I was a senior in high school, um, because I'm from Jersey. I went to the Jersey Shore for the summer. I had my mom's credit card for emergencies.

[Laughter]

MICHELLE: And I really wanted it because I was just really feeling this plus-sized Lisa Bonet look. So I was like this is an emergency.

[LAUGHTER]

MICHELLE: So I used my mom's credit card to pierce my nose and that shit hurt. It felt like my face was getting a pap smear. I was like ah. And then when I showed my mom she just cried, and she's like this little old Jamaican lady with balding hair, and she's just like "Why you bore up your nose?" Bore up. I'm like are you from Game of Thrones? What is that?

[Laughter]

MICHELLE: And I took it out to clean it, went to bed, forgot, and it closed up. And I was like that is the worst 34 dollars I've ever spent. Then, oh my God, one time in college I went to the San Gennaro fest. You know that festival? Um, little Italy. And I saw this booth that they were piercing tongues for seven dollars. I said what a steal. [Laughter] That's what I said. It wasn't even a booth; it was just a chair. And I said ooh, I love a good deal. So I went and got my tongue pierced for seven dollars. I put ten dollars down and got change. [Laughter]

MICHELLE: People were passing by and they took out their like Kodak cameras and they were winding it up and taking a picture. I'm old, bitch.

[Loud high pitched laughter]

MICHELLE: Who the fuck laughs like that? I love it. She laughing like she need a medic and a Gatorade. She laughing like she dehydrated. She laughing like she just got out of 40 Days and 40 Nights. I know her. I know her.

[Laughter]

MICHELLE: So here's the thing, I got my tongue pierced. I thought I looked so bad-ass. I was just looking in the mirror, kinda going like this. I couldn't talk. And for whatever reason I was like I'm ready to suck a dick. [Laughter] Do you know what I mean? Just walking around like I'm edgy, motherfuckers. Don't let the freckles fool you, I'm edgy. I'll suck that dick. [Laughter]  

And so three days later my tongue was still swollen but apparently it's supposed to go down in 24 hours. I didn't know this because I'm not Dr. Oz. [Laughter] And my friend -- this is before a lot of people were doing it -- my friend's like "I don't think it's supposed to go like that." And this was before YouTube too so we were just guessing. [Laughter] Whew, we have lived a life.

And so my friend's like "Go to this tattoo shop because they also have piercings and ask the dude." So I went to that shop and he was like "Yo, you got to take this out because it's crooked and it's supposed to be straight. And if you had left it in another 24 hours . . ." I would've lost all sense of taste.

ROB: Wow.

MICHELLE: Which is fucked up because I like to eat. [Laughter] Rob, you don't have any piercings but you do have a lot of tattoos. I saw a tattoo on your back.

ROB: I got some tattoos, yeah.

MICHELLE: But you've got a tattoo on your back and I don't even know what it's of; you always cover it. It's like what is he, Nick Cannon? [Laughter]

ROB: Nah. It's one of those things, man. It's like it's a . . . you know, I have a tattoo dedicated to my sister. I have some, you know, some other things. But this tattoo on my back that you're talking about, yeah, it happened when I was in Cali. It was some years ago. I was a kid. It was 20 years ago.

MICHELLE: Okay. Anything else you'd like to . . . [Laughter]

ROB: Yeah. So I was with . . . I was with these two . . .

MICHELLE: I feel like I'm INS.

ROB: Nah. I was with these two girls, man.

MICHELLE: Oh.

ROB: And, you know, we were having a night out. [Laughter] And if you want . . .

MICHELLE: Wait, what is a night out code for? We going to fuck?

ROB: Nah. I mean well, look, if you want to have a good time . . .

MICHELLE: Okay. Oh, so you were hanging out with two girls? Okay.

ROB: Yeah. And, you know, and we got drunk and then we end up getting tattoos and you know, I got this thing on my back. We ended up having a threesome that night.

MICHELLE: Wait a minute!

ROB: Yeah, I mean I'm glad I can't see it because it's, you know, a constant reminder. But you remember. See?

MICHELLE: So you -- wait a minute, you were a tramp and literally got stamped?

ROB: Yeah. [Laughter]

MICHELLE: Were they friends? Did they already have tattoos, or did you pop their cherry?

ROB: Nah, that was their first tattoo. It was a -- it was a moment. It was a moment. [Laughter]

MICHELLE: No, I can't even get a motherfucker to force me into an appetizer I don't like. If you're talking about tat . . . so there's these two ladies walking around right now . . .

ROB: With two tattoos that can think about the same moment that I can think about with my tattoo.

MICHELLE: So you guys got the tattoo, and were you guys like we're so connected? Let's . . .

ROB: Nah. [Laughter] It was a moment, man. We was, you know, Hollywood Boulevard, L.A., drinks. Youth, that's what that is.

MICHELLE: Oh my god, that's . . . do you keep in -- Facebook friends at least?

ROB: Nah. Hell nah. [Laughter]

MICHELLE: So when y'all were like getting into the threesome part . . .

ROB: Wow. And I don't remember that.

MICHELLE: Were you guys all just like "Watch the bandaid?" [Laughter] Because don't it hurt? Don't it hurt? Don't it got to heal?

ROB: That's a good point.

[MUSIC]

MICHELLE: Let's get this show started. Y'all ready for more show? Yeah! [Music] Oh my gosh. Wow, Rob. Just wow.

[MUSIC ENDS]

ROB: [Laughs]

MICHELLE: You think you know somebody. Okay, my next guest is super amazing. Uh, he's a New York comedian. I love him so much. He's got a Netflix special coming out plus he's got a podcast of his own called -- oh, you need a minute? Oh my god, I think he's taking a poo. I'm so sorry. [Laughs] I'm like what if he's not taking a shit and I just put him out there like that? Okay, he's all wiped up? All right guys, you ready? [Laughter] What if he comes out with like toilet paper on his foot?

Oh my god, this is the magic of like non-television, y'all.

Okay, can't wait to bring my next guest out. He's an amazing comedian from New York City. Oh, that's wrong. [Laughter] My next guest is an amazing New York comic. He's got a Net -- a Netflix special coming out plus he's got his own podcast called Inside the Closet. Please give it up for my boo-boo kitty Matteo Lane! [Cheering] [Music]

MICHELLE: Hi boo!

[Music ends]

MATTEO: I wasn't taking a shit. You skipped ahead so I was sitting there chatting and drinking a Red Bull.

MICHELLE: Oh, okay. I didn't know you drank Red Bull.

MATTEO: Just every once in a while. You make it sound like I do coke. I'm like it's -- it's Red Bull. [Laughter] Hi everyone. How are you? I like how we're wearing almost the same jacket.

ROB: Yeah.

MICHELLE: Oh my god.

MATTEO:And your voice is literally god.

MICHELLE: Isn't it so good?

MATTEO: Like you don't expect it because it's not -- you know, you're like . . . [Deep voice] Hi. And you're like oh, like bowel -- everyone had a bowel movement when you said hi.

MICHELLE: Yeah, he's got that panty-dropping voice. Aw! So, um, I -- I love your comedy and I love . . . I love your essence onstage because I love when I watch . . .

MATTEO: Gay?

MICHELLE: Yes. But also just like that anything could happen, right?

MATTEO: Okay.

MICHELLE: And also you're a good hang.

MATTEO: Thank you. You're a good hang too.

MICHELLE: Do you remember the first time we hung out?

MATTEO: Um, I don't remember yesterday.

MICHELLE: VMAs. Um, MTV Video Music Awards.

MATTEO: Okay. All right, yes. Okay, so I went -- all right, our friend Shasheer was walking the red carpet at the VMAs.

MICHELLE: Shasheer, mm-hmm.

MATTEO: And then I just threw myself into the situation. I was like "I'm coming!" and she, uh -- this is how not cool me, Shasheer, or Michelle are. We were the first ones in line.

MICHELLE: First ones. First ones.

MATTEO: Like the red carpet, like it was almost like we were just kicked off the red carpet. So then . . .

MICHELLE: I was so unpopular on the red carpet that one of the, um, security guys came up to me. They're like "Ma'am, you have to go over here." I'm like no no no, I'm talent.

MATTEO: [Laughs]

MICHELLE: Like he thought I was a cleaning lady. We're done. We're not even the appetizer. They're like "Where's Kim Kardashian and her angry husband?" And so . . .

MATTEO: And when we went up we were in a section that they gave us free -- here's the thing. None of us are cool. Like when they offer you free food your response shouldn't be "Food!" [Laughter]

MICHELLE: Yeah, but we were so hungry. It was a full-day thing. And we go to like the one counter that's open and it's hot dogs,  And the lady's just like "What do you want?" "We'll have a hot dog," Looking at our like debit cards that are all worn out. And she's like "It's free." And we looked at each other and we're like free?

MATTEO: [Laughs]

MICHELLE: And then all of a sudden I'm like I went to Starburst and let me tell you I was like "Is that ice cream? I want two of them." And then Shasheer's like "Is that a Thai chicken salad?" We got a bunch of shit.

MATTEO: Oh, first of all, we acted like . . .

MICHELLE: Like it's Guy's Grocery Game. That's what we were doing.

MATTEO: [Laughs]

MATTEO: We -- we were also the first to sit down, so it's an empty Madison Square Garden and we are walking down the aisle.

MICHELLE: Yeah.

MATTEO: Carrying our food. And then at some point I think it was one of the drag queens from drag race was like "You know they have tables up there for you guys to eat at?" while we were like . . .

MICHELLE: [Laughs] No idea. No idea. It was the first time at the prom for all of us.

MICHELLE: What was your childhood like?

MATTEO: Um, I grew up on the same block as my first 22 cousins and my . . . [Laughter]

MICHELLE: Mexican or Italian?

MATTEO: Both. My mom's Italian-Mexican.

MICHELLE: Oh.

MATTEO: And my dad's family like white as the driven snow, and I think I saw his parents five times in my life before they died and I saw my mom's parents like . . . I mean I couldn't take a shit without them knocking on the door. [Laughter]

MICHELLE: Hmm.

MATTEO: So just like a different -- like an ethnic background. But yeah, it was great. I was -- every vacation was with my cousins. If I didn't like what mama's making I ate at my Aunt Cindy's house.

MICHELLE: Oh my god, it sounds like the ethnic Mormon like situation. Like a compound.

MATTEO: Yeah, but like way more fun.

MICHELLE: But way more fun. It was a lot of like . . .

MATTEO: Mormons? No thank you. [Laughter] I just hate like coming out stories. I went on a date with this guy once and he was so ready to tell me he used to be Mormon. He was like "Well, I was Mormon." I was like I don't care. [Laughter] You know what I mean? I just don't give a shit.

MICHELLE: He's dating off the compound.

MATTEO: Who gives a shit? You know what I mean? One time I -- listen, this is not Sally Jessy Raphael. [Laughter]

MICHELLE: Shout out.

MATTEO: I don't give a shit, and you know what?

MICHELLE: But now -- now you're in a relationship.

MATTEO: I am obsessed with my boyfriend.

MICHELLE: That is so sweet.

MATTEO: I . . . okay, my boyfriend lives in Spain. I met him on Instagram. I liked his pictures; he liked mine. We FaceTime jacked off, boyfriends. [Laughter]

MICHELLE: Oh my god, is that the only time . . . that cannot be the only time the thirst trap has fucking worked.

MICHELLE: Long-distance relationships are hard. I dated my husband in Holland from New York  for two years.

MATTEO: Yeah.

MICHELLE: And this was before FaceTime.

MATTEO: Oh my god.

MICHELLE: So, yeah, it was a lot of Skype sex.

MATTEO: Work.

MICHELLE: And also -- which is hard when you're of a certain, mmm, size. And -- but what I . . . what I loved about dating him long-distance is he really tried to work at it and he would send an email every day and in the subject it said "Song of the day" so I would wake up to a song that he thought . . .

MATTEO: Aww.

MICHELLE: Yeah, you should do that for your boy.

MATTEO: That's -- well, he got sick. He had the flu the other week so I Uber Eats-ed him dinner every night.

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Aww.

MATTEO: Thank you. [Laughter] I know. I know I'm coming off so like, uh, like kind of a bitch. But, um, I'm really sensitive and insecure and I really love him and he makes me feel great.

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Aww.

MATTEO: I know, I'm obsessed with him. Thank you.

MICHELLE: Oh, shut the fuck up.

MATTEO: I look -- I know you hate this.

MICHELLE: No, I'm very happy for you.

MATTEO: Okay.

MICHELLE: No, I'm very happy for you. But I love that you actually found love, um, from posting pictures of your butt on the Internet.

MATTEO: I know. [Laughter]

MICHELLE: Because I feel like a lot of comedians give you flack for that. Like the first time -- the few first times I met you I was like I didn't recognize you because you were wearing clothes.

MATTEO: Yeah.

MICHELLE: Yeah.

MATTEO: Well one comedian, it's this guy who's very nice, very funny, good writer, uh, straight, and he was like "I don't like, you know, your Instagram. Like it's not what comics do."

MICHELLE: You don't have to.

MATTEO: I was like "Well, my best friend's a fucking drag queen and like I -- this is the gay . . . what do you want me to do, post pictures of the Knicks games? Like I don't know what you want me to do." [Laughter]

MICHELLE: Yeah, also . . .

MATTEO: "And also I go to the gym every goddamn day. I want to -- this is . . . in ten years from now I'm going to have to hang up my asshole. I want to show it now." [Laughter] "And also I sing opera and speak five languages. Let me be naked on Instagram, all right?" [Cheering]

MICHELLE: Yes!

MATTEO: I don't give a shit. And people are like well “it's body…” -- who gives a shit? Live your life.

MICHELLE: You speak five languages?

MATTEO: Yes.

MICHELLE: Which ones?

MATTEO: I speak English. [Laughs] What if I was like Pig Latin? [Laughter] No, uh, I'm fluent in Italian and then I speak Spanish and French and then my German is really rough but I throw it in there to sound more impressive.

MICHELLE: Oh my god, can you say one -- can you just like speak . . . can you just start talking?

MATTEO: All -- go through the languages?

MICHELLE: Go through the languages and I'm going to like call out the language and you say something else, like Italian.

MATTEO: Okay. Bongiorno.  Adesso que sto parlando alla mia amica.  Allora è di serie que ce l’ho un accento più…

MICHELLE: French.

MATTEO: Alors que [sic] je dois parler Français maintenant. J’ai faim. J’ai de [sic] manger quelque chose après ça.  

MICHELLE: German.

MATTEO: Hallo. [Laughter]

MICHELLE: Oh my God I already forgot the other languages. Matteo Lane, everybody. Yes!

MATTEO: Thank you. [Cheering]

MICHELLE: More of Late Night Whenever when we come back.

[Music]

[Cheering]

MICHELLE: Welcome back to Late Night Whenever. I'm your host Michelle Buteau! This is Matteo Lane. This is Robert Lewis. Oh my god, so excited and juicy for our next guest.

[MUSIC ENDS]

MATTEO: He's so hot.

MICHELLE: He's so hot. He's got a new book out called All of It Is You. Already moist. [Laughter] What is this, a huckin duns (?) commercial? Because I'm a-moist. [Laughter] He also stars in TV Land's Younger. The new season is out this June. You'd better check it out. Please help me welcome Nico Tortorella! [Cheering] [Music] Sit, sit, sit, sit, sit, sit.

NICO: Y'all are killing it out here. I'm like nervous. I don't know how I'm going to stand my own ground.

MICHELLE: You'd better stop. You should be nervous because you're wearing all white. That makes me nervous. [Laughter]

NICO: Well there's -- hold on. Hold on

MATTEO: [Laughs]

NICO: There's a story behind it. I've been watching Wild, Wild Country on Netflix, right?

MICHELLE: What is that?

NICO: Oh, it's the greatest docuseries ever made.

MICHELLE: Okay.

NICO: It's about this cult in Oregon, the Rajneesh Cult, Osho's Cult, and they have these monochromatic like burgundy looks.

MICHELLE: Hmm

NICO: And I'm just inspired by it right now. [Laughter]

MICHELLE: It sounds like a Kanye West fashion show. Rob, I'm lost in his eyes. [Laughter] Rob, help me out here Rob.

ROB: Fresh Ferragamos.

NICO: Guccis but . . .

MATTEO: Between his looks and your voice I have to go. [Laughter]

MICHELLE: Wait, what about me? I'm not doing anything for you bitch?

MATTEO: I'm leaving. Bye.

MICHELLE: No, the great part about having such attractive guests is that obviously, you know, I did a deep-dive on Instagram and, um, you and your partner are so fucking adorable.

NICO: Aw, thanks.

MICHELLE: Talk about couple goals. And, um, I saw that you guys went off the grid for a little bit.

NICO: Yeah. We were in Peru. Over the holidays.

MICHELLE: Like in the jungle. The closest I've been to camping is eating sushi on the subway. [Laughter] So tell me all about it. Did you check each other's butt holes for ticks? What happens?

NICO: It was way more than that. We were in Peru for two weeks doing ayahuasca in the Amazon jungle. I mean it was the greatest experience of my life actually.

MICHELLE: Do . . .

NICO: I mean I think -- I did it two years ago for two weeks and then I went back this past year and it just . . . you know, I mean it's the most powerful psychoactive on the planet and it just changes your relationship with everything, yourself, every person that's in your life.

MICHELLE: Do you have flashbacks? D: Everything that you do. I mean you're traveling through other dimensions so you can have flashbacks, future backs. Oh my god.

NICO: It's all there.

MATTEO: Did you like throw up or shit your pants?

NICO: I did not shit my pants.

MATTEO: Okay.

NICO: Um, but yes, you purge the entire -- I mean it's all different. You can't compare two nights. Every night's completely different.

MICHELLE: Different… [Laughter]

NICO: But I . . . [Laughter] It doesn't feel like you're throwing up, like because you're out of your body. You're not even necessarily fully aware that you are a human being so when you're purging it's like . . . it's something else.

MICHELLE: Whatever it takes. I'm into that. So, um, I love Younger.

NICO: Thank you.

MICHELLE: I do. It's like my guilty plesh. [Cheering] It's good. It's good. I feel like I also learn a lot about the publishing world watching Younger. I didn't know that much. Did you?

NICO: No, not at all, and then I wrote a book.

MICHELLE: Yeah.

NICO: And took all these meetings with all these different publishers and it is nothing like you see on television at all. [Laughter] First of all like nobody can afford the clothes that they wear on the show at all.

MICHELLE: Yes. Yeah. Do you keep the clothes?

NICO: I have.

MICHELLE: Of course.

NICO: There's . . . yeah.

MATTEO: You should grab and take. [Laughter]

NICO: Okay.

MATTEO: I worked at Michael's and stole everything. [Laughter]

NICO: The craft store?

MICHELLE: Oh my god, Michael's will never be the same ever again.

NICO: Yeah.

MICHELLE: Um, please tell me about your . . . please tell me about your book.

NICO: Yes, this is my book.

MICHELLE: It's so good.

NICO: Um, thank you. Actually I wrote the whole thing in 45 days while I was in Peru. Um, and .

MICHELLE: I'm going to go to Peru.

[Laughter]

NICO: Yeah, just spitting out books. Um, I don't know. I mean I . . . I have my own podcast called The Love Bomb where I was doing a bunch of poetry.

MICHELLE: Oh my god, my right nipple just got hard. Okay. [Laughter] This is the alive one, but um . . . your intros are poetry. Did you do poetry before?

NICO: No.

MICHELLE: How did you get introduced into it?

NICO: I didn't at all. Honestly I'm not really sure. I kind of channel-write, just black out and things happen, and I'm sober too so it's weird.

MICHELLE: That's amazing because I black out and things happen.

NICO: Yeah.

MICHELLE: Not amazing. [Laughter] Just a lot of turkey bacon under my titty in the morning.

NICO: Well at least it's turkey bacon. [Laughter]

MICHELLE: Yeah, like a salty protein snack.

NICO: Yeah.

MATTEO:And I made it.

MICHELLE: I used to write poetry.

NICO: Did you?

MICHELLE: I did. I never did it onstage but I used to write it and, um . . .

MATTEO: I would die for you to do anything right now. [Laughter]

MICHELLE: Well, funny you ask. Um, the first week -- uh, my husband and I had been trying IVF for a while and the first week I did IVF the hormones are so crazy. He made a sandwich and he left a bunch of crumbs on the countertop and I told him I wanted a divorce. [Laughter] And then I cried and I went and wrote a poem.

NICO: And you have it?

MATTEO: Oh my god.

MICHELLE: Yes.

NICO: About crumbs?

MICHELLE: Yeah. Can everybody snap? Oh, you got some music? [Snapping] [Music] It's called Your Crumbs Are Dumb. [Laughter] Your crumbs are dumb. One by one I become undone. Because of your crumbs. Your trash. Your garbage. Your wasting my time. Cleaning up after you.

NICO: [Laughs]

MICHELLE: You are not a mind-reader and I am not a Walmart greeter. [Laughter] So I have to let you know, baby, I love you. But your crumbs are just not fucking fun. Snap, snap, snap. [Cheering]

NICO: Yes! That was great.

MICHELLE: Yeah.

MATTEO: Wow.

NICO: You should write a book.

MICHELLE: Nico, do you want to do a poem?

NICO: Um, do I want to do a poem? Sure, I'll do a poem.

MICHELLE: Oh, okay. Yeah, sure, no problem. That'd be great. Sure. Okay.

NICO: I'm going to read Vagina for you.

MICHELLE: Okay. Thank you. [Music] Um, so, um . . . oh, yeah. Okay. Hey Nico can you read me one of your poems?

NICO: Yeah, I absolutely can.

MICHELLE: Yes! Rob!

NICO: I'm going to read for you Vagina. First I'm going to show you this vagina picture that's in this book.

MICHELLE: Oh wow.

NICO: I can do that with my tongue.

MICHELLE: No you can't.

NICO: Yeah, isn't that crazy? It's a vagina with my tongue.

MICHELLE: Oh my god. Whoa! That's insane!

NICO: Whoa.

MICHELLE: That's very American Horror Story and I like it.

NICO: Yeah, it's there.

MICHELLE: The circus one.

NICO: All right, vagina. Bow down to the one with the crown. That crown's extraordinary. Not just for birthing, pussy, power, conjured, country, grounding, right. Deserving rights. Earthing. Searching for discoveries, unearthing truths, pissed, sacred lips, clitoris, kiss, consensual, floral. The holy ghost orchid. Get lost and found in your raw chocolate cosmos. Parrots beak speaking truths. Champions, campion (?). Yellow and purple lady slippers to keep warm. Mmm. Swallow me whole and take me to your leader. I said swallow me whole and take me to your leader. [Cheering]

MICHELLE: That's, man . . . I feel like you've done your research.

NICO: Something like that.

MICHELLE: Yes.

NICO: Thank you.

MICHELLE: That's beautiful.

NICO: I appreciate it.

MICHELLE: I'm going to give my mom this book. [Laughter]

NICO: I think she'll like it.

MICHELLE: She needs it.

NICO: Yeah.

MICHELLE: Is there a takeaway you want people to have with this book? Or is this just something you had to do and -- and kind of get rid of and put out there?

NICO: Yeah, I mean it's in the title, really, All of it is You. Uh, I think that we all, as human beings, should just be celebrating this oneness that just runs through all of us all day, every day. And, um . . .

MICHELLE: Ugh, I love that. Do you consider yourself to be an activist?

NICO: Yeah, I mean I . . . I took my own education of the LGBT community -- plus community -- and made it public. I mean the second I started having the conversations in my own life I just decided to have a podcast with a couple microphones, um, and have the conversation on a -- on a much larger scale that lives in the ether, kind of like what we're doing right now.

MICHELLE: Yeah.

NICO: And once that happened it just, you know, um . . . in no way do I like preach that I'm an expert on anything but I'm a seeker in so many ways of my life. And, uh, I'm . . . I think we should all be fighting for something that's bigger than who we are as individuals. Um . . .

MICHELLE: Wakanda. Stronger together.

NICO: Yeah.

MICHELLE: It's true.

NICO: Exactly.

MICHELLE: And I love that you guys both have, um, podcasts about gay stories. Because when I was growing up, you know, I'm not even gay but I was seeking that too. Like I got like Jack on Three's Company or whatever, whatever is . . .

MATTEO: Oh, the only gay person I saw growing up on TV was C-3PO. [Laughter] That was it. I didn't have . . .

MICHELLE: Yeah, it's so insane. It's so -- and I feel like it's . . .

NICO: We had Queer Eye. How old are you?

MATTEO: Um, Queer Eye, that would've been when I would've been like 16 or something like that. But also it was when shows like Queer Eye came out there was so much shame already in being gay and I wasn't out and there was no one for me to go to that when you see gay people on TV you're so threatened by that person.

MICHELLE: Yeah.

MATTEO: Because you're like "No one can know!" Like you're just so scared of anything gay you just stay far away from it.

NICO: I remember Real World Chicago.

MICHELLE: Yeah.

NICO: When the two guys held hands on the bed that one time and I was like something's happening.

MICHELLE: Yeah.

NICO: This is weird. [Laughs]

MICHELLE: So your mom apparently was like this bad-ass. Tell me about your mom.

NICO: Yeah, I actually . . . my whole family grew up on the same block too. I'm very Italian.

MATTEO: We're both from Chicago.

NICO: Yeah

MICHELLE: Both Italian, both from Chicago. So much deep dish on this -- Rob is from Chicago too.

NICO: There you go. Nice.

MATTEO: Are you?

ROB: Yeah.

MICHELLE: Why don't you guys talk about zip codes? [Laughter]

NICO: Um, yeah, but my mom owned a bar in the city growing up and, uh, I very much so grew up in that bar. I was like best friends with all the regulars and serving shots when I was in elementary school.

MICHELLE: Oh my god, you're like the Drew Barrymore of Chicago.

NICO: Hence why I'm sober now. [Laughter] Um, but yeah, in preschool my mom, um, my mom got our ears pierced, me and my little brother, when I was in preschool.  She like bought us leather jackets.

MICHELLE: What?

NICO: She wanted us to be really bad, then hey, I came out. [Laughs] Um, but yeah, my mom's the best.

MICHELLE: That's amazing.

MATTEO: What's your mom's name?

NICO: Annie.

MATTEO: Annie? That's a good mom name.

NICO: It's -- yeah.

MATTEO: Yeah, my mom's name is Sherry and my friend Pat goes "What's your mother's name again?" I said Sherry. He goes "That's right, the name of a slut." [Laughter]

NICO: Oh, well there you go.

MATTEO: It's funny. I know, I tell my mom all the time. I'm like "Remember, Sherry, you're a slut." She's like "Stop that, Matteo."

MICHELLE: Shout out to Sherry. [Laughter]

NICO: Wait, I called my mom a whore once when I was like in middle school.

MICHELLE: What?

MATTEO: Good for you.

NICO: Well hold on, hold on. Jerry Springer was like a regular show that was on in the house and they would say whore all the time and I had no idea what whore actually meant. It was just like part of the vocabulary. But I remember I was in a fight with my mom. I was at the top of the stairs; she was at the bottom of the stairs. And I just said "You're a whore!" And she like grabbed her shoe

MICHELLE: Oh shit. Oh shit.

NICO: And whipped it up the stairs. And I was like "I don't know what it means. I'm so sorry."

MICHELLE: Oh my god.

NICO: And she explained to me what it meant.

MICHELLE: That's like the first word . . .

NICO: I said what?

MICHELLE: I'm from Jersey. That was like the first word I had to spell in the spelling bee.

NICO: Oh really? [Laughter]

MICHELLE: [Accented] Whore.

NICO: Whore.

MICHELLE: Can you use it in a sentence? Your mother is a whore. [Laughter] So how do you handle either someone on-set or like in real life? Like how do you handle a homophobic situation?

MATTEO: I call them a faggot and run.

MICHELLE: That's why you're in such good shape. [Laughter]

NICO: I mean I think it depends on the person and like who's getting attacked really. Um, I don’t know, I would like to educate first before I like freak out but I will cut a motherfucker if I have to.

MICHELLE: That's hot. [Laughter] Yeah. No.

NICO: It's all about intention really. I mean you can tell what the person means when they're saying something and if they're worth it then--

MICHELLE: Why do you think people . . . I mean you have this thing about you where you could probably -- not be a cult leader. That's not what I want to say. [Laughter]

NICO: Oh, but . . .

MICHELLE: But you have this -- you have this thing, like this . . . this thing. Much like white genes with great responsibility comes great power.

NICO: It's true.

MICHELLE: When did you know you kind of had this power? Like this um, you know, to engage people, um, to have these conversations and to listen to you?

NICO: Well I just think historically like because of what I look like and the color of my skin and the role that I play on television . . .

MICHELLE: So you understand privilege?

NICO: 100%, yeah.

MICHELLE: I didn't want to say it. [Laughter]

NICO: Abso-fucking-lutely. Yes, that's not even a question. But like that message gets the most volume really.

MICHELLE: Yeah.

NICO: And the second I realized that it was like oh, I . . . I have to do something with this. It's a responsibility that like I really have at this point. But it's not a crippling responsibility; I really want to share this platform with, you know, as many marginalized communities and people as I possibly can at this point and just really celebrate each other as human beings that like have feelings.

MICHELLE: Oh my god, I want to do ayahuasca with you now. [Laughter]

NICO: Yes.

MICHELLE: Oh my -- so what's next? What do  you want to . . . you could do anything. With that waist, honey? [Laughter]

NICO: I am -- I am . . . there is an MTV show called Just Tattoo of You that's on in England and we're bringing it here to the United States. I -- this news hasn't broke anywhere but I'm telling you right now.

MICHELLE: Yes, you heard it here first.

NICO: We're bringing it here

MATTEO: They're furious with . . .

NICO: And motherfucking Snooki and I are co-hosting it together.

MICHELLE: What?

NICO: So be ready for that.

MICHELLE: Oh my god I love that.

NICO: So coming this summer.

MICHELLE: But I love that.

NICO: Performance art. I'm treating it as full performance art.

MATTEO: Good save.

MICHELLE: Rob has like a great . . . [Laughter]

NICO: Thanks. I appreciate it.

MICHELLE: Rob has a crazy story about his tramp stamp which I just think is amazing. Do you have like any crazy stories about your tattoos?

NICO: I have Chinese kanji on my back that I got when I was 15. It was like a thing in the 2000s, right?

MICHELLE: Okay.

NICO: And it was supposed to mean health, wealth, and happiness.

MICHELLE: Oh no.

NICO: That didn't happen. But I was at my ex-girlfriend's house and her mom -- her grandma was Chinese and she comes up to me and she was like she had to tell me a secret. And she was like "What are these tattoos on your back?" And I was like "Oh, health, wealth, and happiness." I was still drinking at the time. And she was like "Um, the wealth actually doesn't mean like monetary wealth; it means that your sex life is going to be so abundantly wealthy."

MICHELLE: Ooh. Ooh.

NICO: "And you will prosper from it." And I was like so I'm a whore, grandma?

MICHELLE: [Jersey accent] A whore.

NICO: [Jersey accent] A whore. Full-circle here. Um, so yeah, I have that tattooed on my back.

MICHELLE: All right, it's game time motherfuckers. Yes! Okay, since you guys are so bold, so brave, and so fabulous, I would love to get a pep talk from you and I know our audience would too. [Cheering] [Music] That was good. That was like some revival shit. Let's do it again. [Music with Rob singing]

[Music and singing ends]

MICHELLE: Woo! How's my hair look? I feel like I just went to church and it just . . . okay, where's Michael L? We have a question from Michael L.

NICO: Michael L.

MICHELLE: Oh yes, Michael L. Come through. What's the question, Michael L?

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Just between us squirrel friends, um, I wanted to get, um, some pep talk on drag race.

MATTEO: My best friend's Bob the Drag Queen and he's been on drag race so it's like what do you need to know?

NICO: Yes.

MICHELLE: Yeah, and Nico's been a host on drag race.

MATTEO: All right, what do you need to know?

AUDIENCE MEMBER: So I drag race cars [Laughter] and I . . . I've always actually wanted to be a -- in drag. I've always wanted to try but I'm just nervous so give me some advice.

MATTEO: Do -- wait, do you really want to do drag?

AUDIENCE MEMBER: I mean, yeah, I mean after watching the show and stuff it's just something that like . . .

MICHELLE: I'm getting like -- I'm getting like a low-budget Sophia Loren . . .

NICO: Okay.

MICHELLE: I think you should do it.

NICO: You want to keep the beard or lose the beard?

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Lose it.

NICO: Yeah.

MICHELLE: Oh, I was down for the beard.

MATTEO:All right, so he's a Manhattan queen, not a Brooklyn queen.

NICO: [Laughs] Okay.

MATTEO: There's also a lot of open mic kind of for drag queens like amateur drag night that you can go and enter in if you want to do it.

MICHELLE: Oh yeah.

MATTEO: You can like -- you can put a song together and a lot of times queens will put songs together and they'll mix it with like different audio and they'll have sort of themes that go with it. So go watch some good drag shows. There's a great one at Therapy every Wednesday night with Monet X. Change and Pixie Aventura.

NICO: Yeah, that's so good.

MICHELLE: Ooh, namedropping.

MATTEO: Watch that and then kind of get an idea for what it is you're seeing before you jump into it and then think about what it is you want to present to the world.

MICHELLE: Yeah, no, this is like Fisher Price My First Drag. This is what you have to host, both of you guys. Thank you Michael L. Hit it, Rob. [Applause] Hit it. [Music]

ROB: [singing] Oh.

MICHELLE: Oh, that's so nice. So many subtitles with this podcast. Where is Eve R? Eve R. Where are you, honey? Behind you, Jenn. There you go.

MATTEO: Hey girl.

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Hi. Uh, you guys were talking a lot about tattoos. I am thinking of getting a tattoo but I'm worried I'm like going to regret it. Also my idea's kind of cheesy so I wasn't sure.

NICO: What's your idea?

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Okay, so I was allergic to milk for my whole life until like last year so . . . so literally cheese.

MICHELLE: I was about to breastfeed you. I'm so glad you said that. [Laughter]

AUDIENCE MEMBER: It's okay now. Um, but cheese or like . . . I was thinking of getting either a wedge of cheese or a, um, like milk carton.

MATTEO: Why don't you get the food pyramid and have them all empty besides the milk one?

AUDIENCE MEMBER: That's a great idea.

NICO: That’s a great idea.

MATTEO: That's kind of cute, right? Yeah.

NICO: I would try that. And like also Google cheese tattoos and really think about it.

ROB: Take your time with that one. I think . . .

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Fair enough. [Laughter]

ROB: You might regret that shit. . .

MICHELLE: Keep going. Rob, we learned so much. I mean this was jam packed. There should be a quiz at the end of this. I mean I learned that even if you are naked on the Internet, you can still find real love. I learned that maybe I should just trust myself. Don't worry about getting my hair wet, and go to Peru. [Laughter] And take some drugs so I can become one with the universe because . . .

NICO: Medicine. Medicine.

MICHELLE: Medicine, sorry. [Laughter] Some medicinal stuff because…

NICO: Yes, yes.  

MICHELLE: You know, I know who I am but I feel like Cardi B, there's other parts of me to explore. Maybe we should do more poetry. And after the show I'm definitely getting a tattoo. I'm Michelle Buteau. This is Rob Lewis. This is Matteo and Nico and this has been Late Night Whenever! [Cheering] [Music]

[MUSIC ENDS]

MICHELLE: I’m living my best Steve Harvey life, minus the pinstripe suits. [Laughter] I’m fine.

 

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